twenty(or)something

I don’t know where I’m headed
Or if this is just a big mistake,
But something’s telling me
That falling down is a chance
I’ll just have to take.
Marie Digby, “Where Do I Go”

There once was a time when things were moving so slowly, I wondered if I would ever catch up to normal speed again. Cue one year later, and I’m desperately trying to find time to fit projects and commitments into an already full schedule. I’m frustrated and a bit overwhelmed, and while I want to shed tears as a release, that frustration usually winds up manifesting itself into anger, which makes me want to uncharacteristically lash out. Instead, I do something much worse:

I ignore it.

I ignore the problem in an attempt to figure it out while it steadily builds and gets worse because I don’t yet know my limitations. Or maybe I do know those limitations, as I’ve been seeing the warning signs. Maybe I just ignore that, too.

I think I’ve become a bit addicted to opportunity.

I think I’ve been so eager for this, working for this, that now that it’s come, I don’t exactly know how to handle it.

In August, I said yes to everything because I was out of a job and bored and wanted something to fill my time. Then, somehow, everything changed.

I accepted a full-time job, I was beginning a part-time freelance career, and I was back to volunteering with the animals, while still trying to maintain connections, keep up with these blogs which have been, truly, my saving grace, and continue to work on my fiction writing. But the more I take on, the more frustrated I become, the less I’m able to connect, the less I’m able to accomplish.

It all has boiled down to one very sobering thought:

I can’t do it all.

I want to. I want to be able to handle it all and I’ve been desperately trying to find that balance, but no matter how hard I try, I always manage to tip that scale so that something ends up being sacrificed. And what is sacrificed is either time with my family or friends, my own writing…Or myself.

Is it worth it? I’m not sure. It feels like a compromise on a dream, a compromise I was ready to make. I always wanted to be a fiction writer, but now I’m a writer and that seems good enough.

I’m not a journalist. I’m not a banker, either, but I love that job for the people, the subject matter, and the steady income it provides as I’ve pursue my dream of writing. And although being a freelance writer isn’t my ultimate dream, I’m enjoying it; I feel like it’s a step towards getting there, and so any opportunity that comes up, I accept, afraid that I might be passing on one that could mean something, afraid that this opportunity won’t come around again.

I know that there are second chances, that life comes around again just when you need it and maybe are least expecting it. But I’ve wanted something like this for so long, that I’m a bit afraid to take that chance and let it go.

Something has to give a little.

I just don’t know what.

When fellow blogger Rebecca told me about her Monthly Goal Meet-Ups and invited me to join, I thought it was a great idea to help hold myself accountable and set reasonable terms in which I could accomplish what I admittedly hadn’t been doing. I readily promised to join in on the action and looked forward to writing up a blog post. But as the more time passed as I pursued opportunities, working towards a dream, the less time I had for the little goals. As such, September turned out to be a chaotic mess that made me feel like I was grasping for time as it flew by, just out of reach.

It’s the little moments that matter, but I’d become so caught up in trying to keep up with a full-time work schedule, freelance deadlines and projects, planned blog posts and celebrations, and volunteer events that those little moments began to feel overwhelming and impossible. I couldn’t wait for September to be over; I couldn’t wait to settle back into a comfortable routine.

I like routine.

I like when I can mix that routine up, but I like when I have that routine to begin with so that the possibility of mixing it up a bit doesn’t throw me completely through a loop. While I couldn’t wait for September to be over, I also wondered where it went.

I like steady. I like planning. I like knowing exactly what I have time for and in what amount of time I have to do it.

I like change when I’m ready for it, when I know it’s coming, when I feel like I have time for it. I like change when I feel like I can easily adapt.

But life doesn’t always work that way; you can’t plan everything and change happens whether we want it to or not. I’m hoping that this Monthly Goal Meet-Up will put me on the right track again and help me feel a bit more in control, a bit more accomplished.

A bit more settled.

October Goals

Go for a 20 minute walk every day with Riley
September came and went, and I barely got to enjoy it. I love fall. I love the changing to this season: the warm afternoon sun turning over to a brisk evening breeze, colorful fallen leaves blanketing the streets. I love curling up with a blanket and a book or movie and a mug of hot chocolate with Riley sleeping next to me on cool autumn nights; I love soups and hot apple crisp and anticipation of the holidays. And because I love these things, I want to appreciate them. I want to pause and realign my priorities, take a step outside of this social medium and enjoy the outside world, enjoy the company of everything that I have, everything that I have to feel grateful for. Riley knows how to live in the moment and enjoy every day; I’m hoping that walking with him will help me slow down and take that moment I’ve been looking for.

Use my membership and go to the gym 3x/week
I am decidedly not an exercise person. Get me into a sport that’s fun and outdoors and doesn’t feel like exercise, and I’m a happy camper, but exercise for the sake of exercise, particularly in a gym, leaves me frustrated very easily, a bit bored, and often demotivated when there’s a lack of results. But that elliptical is perfect for releasing pent up emotion and the classes add a little bit of fun. Hopefully, by making it a monthly goal, I can take it step by step and build up to where I find myself enjoying it again.

Submit one short story for publication/contests
I’m insecure about my writing. I have an insatiable passion for it, but self-doubt often holds me back, hesitating to fully pursue a lifelong dream because I don’t often feel quite good enough. One thing I’ve learned, however, is you never know what you can do until you try, even at the risk of rejection. You only lose by holding back. And so, I’m going to make it a goal to submit one story to contests/for publication each month. It’s a small step to overcoming this hesitancy; it’s a small step to moving forward on a dream.

Write a new short story this month
Creative writing is my passion — it’s the stories, the imagined what-ifs, that move me. There are stories everywhere, I’ve always believed, but I’ve recently stopped telling them. Trying to balance the new 40 hour work week and freelancing almost made me resent the decisions I had made to pursue both, remarkable opportunities though they are, despite the fun I’m having with both. Scheduling a little bit of creative writing time to get back to that first love will hopefully help me feel a bit more settled and a bit less like I’ve abandoned something that’s always been important to me. Besides, I hear T.S. Eliot made it work…

Post 2x a week to Typescript, once a week for twenty(or)something
I took a temporary hiatus from Typescript last month because, like my break from creative writing, I’d been so full-up with everything else that blog posts became few and far, and the writing challenges became, for the most part, recycled and reused. I had to prioritize, and sadly, Typescript was at the bottom of that list. These blogs are such an important part of me, however, and so I hope to get back into a schedule where they can both thrive once again.

Funny how most of this month’s goals are centered around writing…I’ve been working hard to accomplish my long-term goals, but it’s taken me awhile to settle into a routine where I feel comfortable and capable, where I’m able to balance doing it all. Hopefully with these goals written out and holding myself publically accountable, I can take one more step towards that.

What’s on your to-do list this October?

Last year — exactly last year — my mom called me early in the morning, her tone upbeat and full of cheer.

“Your birthday’s tomorrow!” she sang into the phone. Wasn’t I excited?

“Yeah,” I had replied.

Then I burst into tears.

I cried a lot last year. A LOT. It was a year of turmoil and change, marked by strong emotion, hindered by fear.

But through those tears emerged an acceptance. And from that acceptance came an understanding. And from that understanding grew a strength I never realized was possible.

Last year, I vowed that things would change — I would start over, start fresh. As I celebrated my birthday, I found a subtle transformation was occurring, and as the year passed and more changes took place, I found how much I was changing, too.

This year, as I celebrate my birthday, I’m also celebrating what this past year has brought me: adventure in the form of a dream come true, opportunities in the form of a passion revisited, a rediscovery of who I am as a twenty-something, as an adult, as a person.

It has brought me a greater appreciation for everything I have in my life.

This year brought me you.

Yes, each and every one of you who have been along for this crazy ride, supported and encouraged, offered insight and perspectives, sharing a part of yourselves in the process.

You’ve made me smile, you’ve made me laugh, you’ve pulled me out of dark moments and helped me look at situations from a fresh angle. You’ve helped me realize that life is about appreciating the little moments and celebrating our small successes, our greatest joys.

So tomorrow as I celebrate my birthday, I’ll also be celebrating you.

As my way of giving back to those who have been on this journey with me, I’m offering a giveaway for a (very small) prize pack.

I’ve realized over this past year the power of positive thinking and just how true it is that thoughts become things. On Twitter, I hold conversations with the Universe as a way to find some sense of understanding, as a way of learning to listen to and trust myself. Now’s your chance to recount your own journey, no matter in what phase of it you may be, and talk back to the Universe…


This giveaway contains a beautiful journal from TUT for your own “Notes to the Universe,” a mix of the music that titles each blog post on this site, and a pack of tootsie rolls (I hear they make the perfect bribes).







How To Enter: Post a comment below telling us what you’re celebrating this day/month/year with your name and valid email address in the appropriate fields (email address not disclosed). Tomorrow, the recipient will be selected at random and posted here, so keep checking back!

It has been a long road, but one that I can, perhaps for the first time, see a bit more clearly. It’s one I’m glad to be traveling.

And I’m glad to be traveling it with you.

Celebrate every moment, because every moment matters.

And a very heartfelt thank you, once again, to each and every one of you for sharing your stories, but, even more, for your friendship.

And when the day has all but ended
And our echo starts to fade
No you will not be alone then
And you will not be afraid
Rob Thomas, “Now Comes The Night”

I have four freelance deadlines coming up. Commitments I’m trying to honor pack my weekends; playing catch up during the evenings by working on articles or the blogs or trying to find inspiration for my writing leads me well into the evenings. I try to go to bed by 10:30 so that I get enough sleep for work the next day, as without caffeine, sleep is pretty much all that keeps me functioning.

But things have been hazy lately. Judgment is cloudy, logic is foggy, and my emotions are running high. This evening, my mom asked me to fulfill a simple request. I responded by breaking down into tears.

I don’t know how to do it. I watch friends follow this same routine seemingly effortlessly — staying up well into the night while working a 40 hour day job, juggling life and love and work and play seamlessly.

I wish that I could. For awhile, I thought I was. It seemed like all of my hard work was finally paying off as I welcomed the opportunities that resulted, so thrilled and grateful for them. But what I’m struggling with now is something more difficult than the workload.

I’m pushing myself too far, not knowing my limits — or maybe not wanting to admit them — so that I’m becoming a jumble of nerves and stress, emotions running rampant. I’m finding that the more I try to hold things together, the more I try to take a deep breath and schedule and prioritize, the further frayed everything becomes.

I’m trying to do it all, trying so hard to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend…I’m working so hard to be a professional, a writer, that I’m forgetting what it’s like to be me.

I’m forgetting how to be.

I don’t know how to find that peace again, that strength. I keep a purple post-it note on my cubical wall at work with a simple reminder of where I’ve been and where I’m going. One word, one simple word, used to be all it took to remind myself of my purpose, my worth, my strength. One word, one place, was all I needed to remind me of how much I have grown and changed and learned. “Remember France” became my mantra, and that was all it took to remind me of how far I’ve come.

It’s been almost a year since that journey. And while so much has changed, I fear, now, that so much has still remained the same. I wonder if I’m not back to that same place I was before I left, before I experienced all that I had. I find myself second-guessing decisions, second-guessing my abilities, second-guessing myself.

Any trace of that confident, even, dare I say, empowered woman has vanished today, in this moment. Instead I’m left with a feeling of too much, and maybe not enough. There’s too much going on, and yet I’m still not working hard enough. I have so many opportunities, and yet I should be doing more. I have people around me who love me, and yet I’m not loving them enough.

I feel so mixed up right now, in this moment. It’s a moment that I’m sure will pass — it’s the reason I write and blog, after all. But right now, my stomach lies in knots as the stresses of life take hold. I don’t quite know how to sort it all out this time, how to quell the impatience and irritation I feel towards people, even loved ones…especially loved ones. These negative feelings are so foreign to me, and the guilt I have for them makes it ever that much worse.

Want to know a secret? What it took me this whole, long blog post to figure out?

I think I’m afraid to stop pushing myself so hard, I’m afraid to give myself a break because, I think, I’m a bit afraid of being forgotten.

Of being left behind. Of missing out on opportunities, possibilities, chances. Of being of the “out of sight, out of mind” variety.

I’m not afraid of losing at something. I’m afraid of losing that something — the people I care about most. I’m afraid that if I’m not there for them, they won’t be there for me. I’m afraid that if I’m not the best daughter/sister/friend/professional/writer/whatever, they’ll move on to that something better, something more.

I push myself so hard because I’m afraid of not being good enough. And I’m afraid of the day when I’ll have to watch someone figuratively or literally, by choice or by chance, leave me again.

It’s all up to me to combat that. I need to cut myself a break, I know. And it’s no one’s fault but my own; I really do know that, too.

But I still don’t know how to face it.

And so, instead, I pretend it’s not there, pushing myself even more, even harder.

Neglecting myself, subconsciously protecting myself, so that others can’t have the opportunity to do it first.

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on…
Wonderful journey.
Richard Marx & Donna Lewis, “At The Beginning”

Literature often tells the tales of journeys — those stories where the individual sets out on her own and faces tests of faith and trials of character. She battles adventure and insecurity on the road on which she’s traveling; she finds empowerment and fortitude in the people she meets along the way. It’s a journey of discovery, a quest for the self. And though she may return to that starting point, she is never, ever the same.

Some of you have been with me from the beginning; some of you I met as I was just starting to emerge from the dark cloud under which I had found myself hiding, scared to continue on that road, afraid of where it might lead to next. And still, some of you are just joining me now as I continue to follow that road, on the greatest adventure of my life thus far.

On my last birthday, I vowed that things would be different in the year of my quarter-life. I had gone through that infamous crisis somewhat prematurely, and I vowed that this new year would mark a change. I wanted it to matter, and I was ready for something to happen — something positive, something good.

And so, I embarked on my own journey of self-discovery, on a quest to rediscover myself and everything I’ve always believed to be so important. And rediscover myself I have…with the help of the many friends I have met along the Twitter, Brazen, and blogging way.

This past year has been one of tremendous changes, challenges, and rewards. I fell far, but I learned how to pick myself up. I tried to fly, and I learned I could soar.

This month, as I gear up to celebrate my next birthday — and what I consider to be last year’s changing point — and as I anticipate whatever other adventures lie in store, I’m taking a step back to appreciate just how far I’ve come.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be posting links to certain archived blog posts on the new page, which will also hopefully serve as a starting point for new readers.

While it has sometimes felt like a lonely road, I haven’t been alone, and those who have been with me haven’t been forgotten.

As I celebrate my birthday at the end of the month, I’ll also be celebrating you — those who have stuck around through it all and offered support, friendship, and a part of yourselves in return.

More details will follow, so be on the lookout on the blog and Twitter for more information.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the beginning of my journey as a twenty(or)something. May your own journey prove to be just as wondrous.

Tonight…we drink to youth.