Um, excuse me. What exactly do you think you’re doing, Universe?

I’m writing the requisite Christmas post. Good tidings and all that.

That’s nice, and I appreciate the sentiment, as always, but I was already gearing up for a nice holiday-themed blog post this year, full of memories and reflection—

And more sentimental, mushy “remember this” writing, I know, I know. But this season is all about the cheer and the joy. And the eggnog. I love the eggnog.

Um…

Don’t hate. You know you love the eggnog, too. So look, here’s the deal. You can write your post because, yeah, the holidays do bring out the fluffy side of things, but I’m going to help you along, ok? And we’re going to think happy thoughts full of mistletoe and twinkling icicle lights and tootsie rolls.

I think it’s supposed to be sugarplums. And, wait, mistletoe? Is that supposed to be a sign or something?

Just write your blog post…

I think there comes that shift in what the holidays mean to you. Once upon a time, you believed in Santa Claus – until you spotted the cookies you left for him in the garbage and figured out it was your dad eating them all along. Once upon a time, you abided by the “wait until 7:30 to wake us up and go downstairs” rule your parents made so they got at least a few hours of sleep, spending those early morning hours fighting anticipation by reading in bed or playing a board game with your brothers. Once upon a time, you spent your Christmas Eve home from church, watching holiday movies and reading Christmas stories on the couch because you all had the chicken pox – yes, even Dad.

When you’re a kid, that once upon a time exists with colorful lights and stockings on the mantle and cookies (so many cookies) and strange Italian food lining the counter. When you’re a kid, you believe in magic and miracles and surprises underneath the Christmas tree.

If you’re really lucky, that once upon a time doesn’t end. But more often than not, our version of magic changes, miracles don’t happen when we demand it, but when we least expect it, and gifted surprises don’t come with a pretty bow, but wrapped in something even more special.

I remember unwrapping presents in the living room as a kid, my grandma watching us with a serene smile on her face – that smile that never, ever left – as we handed her bows for safe-keeping before running back to our places, eager to see what other toys we had gotten. As an adult, I wish that I had paid more attention to the gift that was there – the gift that was her – rather than the toys under the tree.

But you were a kid then, Susan. And you know now that sometimes the best gifts aren’t the ones found under a tree, but are those that are hiding in plain sight. You know that now, but you were young then. And then, you didn’t understand aging or loss or even really time. You couldn’t. Have your wish, but you can’t blame yourself for things you can’t control. It’s not up to you. It’s up to me, that’s my job. Your job is to love and appreciate now.

Better late than never.

That was my first experience with a changed Christmas. Sure, I may not have believed in Santa Claus anymore, but this is when the meaning really changed, what it meant. Then, a few years ago, it changed again, when my dog Lucy passed away the day before Christmas Eve.

I had built Christmas up in my mind as this untouchable season. Nothing bad was ever supposed to happen because it was the time of miracles and magic and everything else I had ever learned from stories and watching those holiday movies on TV. So although Lucy was sick, we held out hope that we would be able to bring her home from the vet for a few days, to celebrate the holiday, to be with her family. We went to visit her, to talk to the vet about possibly bringing her home, but she passed away soon after we arrived.

I remember we were heartbroken that Christmas. I remember how much I prayed in the weeks leading up to it; remember how much I begged and pleaded for that Christmas miracle. I remember the anger I felt, the disappointment, the loss of faith when that miracle didn’t come.

Except, your miracle did come. It just didn’t look the way you wanted it to look. Don’t you know by now that I don’t work that way? You get what you need, what’s best for you, even if it hurts for awhile, even if you don’t fully understand it. Because one day you will. And I have a feeling you’re starting to get it.

Besides. I brought you Riley, didn’t I? Yeah. Don’t ever say I don’t do anything for you.

Loving Riley did help me heal from the pain of losing Lucy and her two brothers the following year. And when my parents got their dog, their house seemed whole again. We were always ok, always laughing, always grateful for each other’s company. Always a family. But with so many losses in such a short amount of time, it was hard to be grateful for what we had, to experience a holiday without missing someone, thinking of what it was like with them there.

You don’t get over that. You don’t have to, and you’re not supposed to. You’re always going to miss people, especially now, especially with these moments that are meant to be shared with those who are close to you. But that’s what you do. You be grateful for who is here, now.

Look. What I want you to remember, Susan, most of all, is that these memories are beautiful and special and you should never forget them. But you’re going to continue making memories, get it? And you’re going to make your own traditions the older you get, the more things change. That magic that you felt as a kid? Guess what, it’s not gone. It’s going to continue.

Righteous.

Don’t live in the past. Embrace it, think on it fondly, learn from it, but keep moving forward.

Because there are a lot more memories to be made, Kiddo. And a lot more smiles, a lot more laughter, and many, many more gifts from me.

But I’m not telling what they are! And NO PEEKING this time. Yeah. Santa told me about you…

As always, I should probably say thanks, Universe.

Yeah, you welcome. Can I get back to my letter now?

Have at it…

These past few months have been an emotional upset for me as I’ve tried, yet again, to rediscover myself in the face of uncertainty and insecurity, as I do battle with my health, my ambition, and, consequently, perhaps even myself. I’ve struggled with so many questions and very few answers, doubting my decisions and, I’m almost ashamed to admit, my self-worth.

I’ve been a bit lost lately, as I’ve lost a bit of that strength, that confidence, that spark. I’ve begun to question my place in the world, wondering what value I could possibly bring to others, wondering what good I’m doing and doubting that it could ever be enough. Little by little, I’ve felt myself grow weaker, as moment by moment negative thoughts have begun to invade the positive ones.

I’ve felt defeated, giving up and giving in, so weighed down by emotions that I can’t understand or reconcile. And then I begin to feel numb, growing insensitive and losing a bit of that compassion for others that has always been a huge part of me. I’ve felt selfish in wanting to concentrate on myself, for wanting too much for myself, and because of that, I’ve questioned every aspect of my life. I haven’t felt whole, haven’t felt like a good person any–

Ok, hold it.

Excuse me?

You heard me. I’m stopping you right there.

I’m in the middle of writing a blog post, Universe, you can’t just butt in.

Wanna bet? I’m out of tootsie rolls, my Firefly DVD marathon is finished, and the next Sims expansion pack doesn’t come out until TOMORROW. Which, according to my buddy Time, is forever.

But this is my emotional outpouring and–wait, you’ve been playing the Sims this whole time? Isn’t that some kind of irony, considering…

You know what? This isn’t about me, this is about you. So scoot over because I have a few things I want you to understand…

First, if I ever hear you say you’re not a good person, I will toss you into next week. I’ve got a binding contract with both Time and Space, so we both know I can do it.

I don’t think this whole tough love thing is exactly what I need right now. What about understanding and support? Or maybe some answers? I need you to tell me how to find myself again…

I can’t do that for you, Susan, because you aren’t lost, don’t you see? Everyone veers off their path every once in awhile. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to recognize where you were headed in the first place and appreciate it for what it is.

Listen, your path is going to look different from everyone else’s, so please stop comparing yourself to others. And before you start smart-mouthing me and saying “easier said than done” like I know you want to, remember that you can only see so far on the path in the first place for a reason. Walking down it is going to look different than what you ever even expect. You have a great imagination and a lot of ambition and you think you have it all planned out, but it doesn’t work that way. I hate telling you that you’re wrong, but…

Actually, I think you love telling me that I’m wrong.

Actually, I love saying that I’m right, but I hate saying that you’re wrong. Because it’s not about that. Can I continue now?

You can’t plan everything. I know how much you want to, and I know how much you want to control as much of your life as possible because by being prepared, it means you don’t have to risk anything. And, hey, I get that you’re afraid of loss and the vast unknown and you want to be ready for it. But some things you just can’t be ready for. You need to let me surprise you, remember? You need to trust me, trust yourself, and stop being so afraid to live. Yeah. I hit a nerve there, didn’t I?

You are going to do incredible things with your life, kid. It may be hard to see that now when every minute, hour, day seems to be another day wasted. But, you know what? Every single day you’re alive is another day that you are learning and loving, and I’m telling you right here, that this is what matters. And that is all that matters.

There are no short-cuts. You’re eager and passionate and a bit impatient because you feel like you’re just waiting for your life to begin. But your life began the minute you were born. All that time, all those people I sent your way, all those lessons you learned and the giggles you shared and the tears you shed — that is part of the person you’ve become. The good person you’ve become. And these moments will keep adding up, Susan. Each moment matters. And you matter.

You are making a difference just by being who you are, by the words you write and the stories you tell, by the hugs you freely offer and the shoulder you provide, by the love that’s in your heart. Stop smirking, will you? I’m being serious. For once.

Others may scoff and roll their own eyes and try to tear you back down, but you do realize who did most of that tearing down, don’t you?

I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.

Yep. That was all you.

I get it. I understand your frustration and your fears. You have every right to them. But I need you to hold on with all you’ve got. Because the landscape of your life is constantly changing, and that path you’re on? It’s gonna take some twists and turns. And just when you think you’ve lost your way, you’ll realize you’ve been right on track all along. You’ve got guardrails to protect you, lampposts to guide you, and people there to help you along. I did all of that for a reason, you know. Yeah, I’m pretty awesome like that.

I need you to trust in me. And I need you to trust in yourself. You know that little skip of your heart just there? Those tears glistening in your eyes and that deep breath that filled your soul? Yeah. It’s because you know I’m right. Again.

I don’t know whether to curse you out or thank you, Universe.

You’re welcome. Now, about those tootsie rolls…

If you follow me on Twitter, you’ve no doubt noticed that I tend to hold sometimes daily conversations with the Universe. I think this started sometime back in December when I began to witness the power of positive thinking, realizing just how much I needed that to turn my life back around in the right direction.

I think “talking” to the Universe was my way of finding some sense of understanding, reconciling difficult situations with humor and a little bit of fun as I attempted to regain my optimism and belief in myself, in life, again.

But then the Universe started talking back, or, more accurately, I should say, I started listening to myself, trusting myself. What has resulted is some tough lessons learned, to be certain, and a lot of tough love. But there has also been a sense of awareness that I hadn’t really recognized before, a strength that I thought I had lost.

It’s about believing in something bigger…

And believing in yourself.

Gimme, Gimme
The Universe is used to people asking it for stuff: better jobs, new loves, world peace…But the Universe is stubborn, too, in its ability to decipher what we want with what we need and knowing exactly when to give it to us. Even if we don’t like it. Not one bit. And no, temper tantrums don’t work. Trust me. I’ve tried.

I’ve been told that the Universe gives us signs when we ask for them. So I ask for them. But I think I always misread them. For example…

Me: Universe, please give me a sign. Oh, look, a bus ambling past that says Ephrata. Maybe I should move to Ephrata! Universe: *headdesk*

I rest my case. Dear Universe: Thanks for putting up with me.

I ask the Universe if I can have a do-over of the past 3 weeks. The Universe laughs. I offer a tootsie roll. It takes it. Still no. Rip off.

Wonderful World
Sometimes the world can seem a dark and cold place and you want nothing more than to hide out for awhile until you’re better. The Universe gets this. But the Universe also knows that once you find the courage to peek your head out from beneath those covers, something worthwhile can be discovered. Life can be beautiful, in spite of it all. And, yeah, the Universe might have a hand in that…

Dear Universe: I know I cursed you out this week, but, really, you kinda deserved it. Let’s make up. Cause I want to thank you for this life

Dear Universe: Thanks. We’re still cool. Later we’ll make friendship bracelets to prove it.

Dear Universe: I almost asked for that friendship bracelet back. But then you had to bring me a brand new, beautiful day.

Universe: This is what it’s about, Susan, what I’ve been trying to tell you. It’s about love & life & enjoying it all. Me: Don’t gloat.

Universe: Moment by moment, day by day, life is to be lived and love is to be shared. You’ve got this. Me: Yeah. I finally think I do.

How Far We’ve Come
Whenever we’re feeling like we’ve fallen behind and are a little lost, like we haven’t done as much as we should, like we’re not where we thought we should be, the Universe is there, reminding us that we’re still moving forward, that we’re doing just fine, and that we’re exactly where we’re meant to be. “Look how far you’ve come” the Universe will say, and we’ll look behind us and realize, “Huh. Farther than I thought.” And the Universe will smile smugly. I really hate it when that happens…

Universe: Look at all you’ve seen, felt, done. I’ve thrown a lot your way so far, and what did you do? Me: Cried. Like, A LOT.

Universe: And then? Me: Then I moved on and got through it. Universe: Exactly. Me: Thanks for the reminder. You still owe me a tootsie roll.

Eye of the Tiger
AKA: Ready to Rumble.
Sometimes, the Universe can get pretty annoying, spouting all those words of encouragement when all you really feel like doing is throwing your hands up, giving up, and cursing the Universe out. It’s ok, the Universe can take it. Just like you can, too. And the Universe will fire back with some tough love and harsh truths, so be ready to listen and ready to learn.

Dear Universe: You know I love you. And respect you. But you & I are going to have major issues soon if you don’t get your butt back in gear

Well isn’t that just the flower on top of the icing on top of the cake. Good grief. Anything else? Universe, you and I need a serious talk.

Universe: Let’s see a smile first. Me: What? No. Universe: Come on. Come ooonnn. Me: I hate you. Universe: You love me. See? Look. A smile.

Went to dinner; waiter was the cute, smart, & funny kind. Too bad my happy heart is a tad cynical. Maybe I should be talking to Dear Cupid…

Universe: I’m being replaced? Me: Depends. What’ve you got in store? Universe: You should be asking yourself what you have in your life now

Me: I admit, I’m facing feelings of inadequacy tonight, of not being “enough” — good enough, smart enough… Universe: You’re an idiot.

Universe: What’d I tell you earlier? Hang in there, right? Listen, you’re well on your way; you’ll get there. Hang tough, kid. Me: Hanging.

‘Cause Ya Gotta Have Faith
Faith — confidence — is one of the greatest things to have, though sometimes the easiest to lose. It can carry you far when circumstances seem desperate, when you’re a little (or a lot) afraid, when faced with uncertainty or when faced with challenges. Have faith in your abilities, faith in yourself, faith in something.
Universe: Faith in me? Me: Yeah, we were getting to that…

Universe: You know, Susan, I told you to have a little faith in me. Me: I know. My bad. Lost sight of it. I know you’ve always got my back.

I think I’m finally beginning to trust in you, Universe. I know you’ve got my back. Guess what…I’ve got yours too.

I have to remember to trust in you, Universe. I can’t create the characters in my own life, can’t outline the plot, plan the happy ending.

Universe: Having a rough day? Me: Yeah. Can you fix it? Universe: No. But you can. Thoughts become things, Susan. Me: You’re no help at all.

Hanging Tough
Yes, the Universe likes to quote New Kids on the Block. What can I say, my Universe is a product of the 80’s. The sentiment is true, though. When times get tough, there’s always a reminder to hang in there and keep holding on. “Don’t worry ‘bout nothing ‘cause it won’t take long…”

Universe: Yup. Hang tough, yo. Me: Ok, quoting New Kids on the Block totally welcomes you into the club. Rock on, Universe, rock on.

Me: Universe, you’ve been kinda quiet lately. What’s up with that? Universe: Been on vacation with your muses. Me: ?!? Universe: Don’t hate

Me: Universe, are you taking a vacation or something? Universe: Checking out the beaches of Baja, yo. I like the little umbrella drinks.

Me: Well, hurry back, please. Think I need you in my corner. Universe: Always got your back. Me: Cool. And bring one of those drinks.

Universe: Rocky road isn’t just a kickin’ ice cream. Remember that. And I’m sitting beside you, helping you navigate. You got this. Drive on

Moving in Mysterious Ways
A surprise phone call from a friend right when we need a shoulder to cry on; a stranger telling us to hang in there, that these times get better…Some may call it luck, some may call it coincidence, others may call it little miracles…The Universe calls it being awesome-sauce. Don’t even ask.

Sometimes…Sometimes maybe the book just has to write itself. And maybe sometimes there’s magic, beauty, something special in that, too…

Universe: I’m going to surprise you, Susan. Me: Yeah, I’m counting on it. (And there’d better be cake & flowers & fireworks when you do)

Universe: Yeah. And you should see what else I’ve got up my sleeve. Me: A rabbit?! Can I name him Floppy? Universe: I give up.

Me: dear Universe, you work in mysterious ways, don’t you? Universe: It’s my best kept secret, yo.

Sing Your Life
Fair warning: the Universe likes to sing and thinks there’s oh, so much inspiration to be found in lyrics. Which there is, though I hate to admit it for proving the Universe right. Again. Just don’t tell the Universe about Karaoke Nights, ok?

Universe: Susan, I think I’d like to serenade you. Me: Good luck with that.

Universe:”Lean on me, when you’re not strong–” Me: –And I’ll be your friend if you give me my tootsie roll back. Thief.

Universe: It takes two, baby ? Patience. There’ll be bridges to cross; I’ll make sure you cross them. Me: So, trust you? Universe: Trust me.

“Your faith was strong but you needed proof…” Hey, Universe, can I have proof? Universe: Your life is proof enough.

Bribing The Universe
And if all else fails, resort to bribes. The Universe likes tootsie rolls. I have it on good authority.

Me: Hey, Universe I hear you have a fondness for tootsie rolls. If I bribe you, can you help me feel better and stop this nonsense?

Universe: Only if you promise to not overdo it. Me: There’s no negotiating with bribes. Universe: ….. Me: Ok, fine. Deal.

Universe: I don’t accept bribes. Me: You accept tootsie rolls. Universe: Well, yeah, I love those…

(Thursday) March 13, 2008

Dear Universe,

You and I have been through a lot in our 24 years together. And, as such, there are some things I have to say to you.

You’ve given me something which I’m not entirely sure I deserve, but am happy and proud to claim as my own: an incredibly loving and devoted family who has provided me with a house filled with memories of echoing laughter and shoulders to cry on. They have put up with me these long years, and not only have they never complained (much), but they forgive my mistakes, sympathize with my fears and uncertainties, and occasionally give me a swift kick in the ass when I need it. Their love is unconditional; you have shown me what family means.

You’ve bestowed upon me the blessings of a small number of close friends who are loyal, forgiving, and equally as loving, if not somewhat eccentric; friends who not only have taken the time to really get to know me, understand me, accept whatever flaws are packaged with me, but who recognize what I have to offer in return and appreciate my shortcomings nevertheless.

You’ve given me a number of amazing gifts in my lifetime, gifts that come with shedding fur and names: Sammy, Hercules, Lucy, Mikey, and, most recently, Riley and Cody. I’m not sure exactly what I have done to warrant their presence, but I am eternally grateful for their predispositioned, unquestioned love and loyalty — even if it means putting up with howling and slobber and bed hogs (Riley!). Through them, you have shown me what true loyalty and comfort is — there is no greater happiness than coming home to a wagging tail, completely forgiving of your absence. Even though I have lost many of them, the gift has been loving them.

With all of the experiences you have thrown at me, you have molded me into a person I am proud to have become. Above all things, I am grateful for my capacity to love and my annoyingly positive outlook on life. When I’m rejected, I hope. When I get hurt, I hope. When I feel lost, I hope. When life generally sucks, I can’t help but hope. Yes, I’m hopeless. But this Pollyanna view is what gives me faith and what helps me muddle through the shit that you throw at me, making me stronger in the end.

I’m grateful for my passions, including my love of learning. Thanks for not making me a genius, by the way. Not only because my fear of being John Travolta in Phenomenon will never be realized, but it’s also very humbling to know that there’s always someone who knows more than you. This is what connects us. Plus, there’s the bonus of my love of reading and traveling and experiencing, and what fun is knowing everything anyway?

I suck at sports, my musical aptitude is well below average, and my sketchpad more closely resembles a kindergartener’s refrigerator masterpiece — and trust me when I say that the kindergartener’s drawing is a masterpiece compared to my own. However, you’ve given me a talent that I’m not quite sure I deserve or would even label as such. If anything, it’s a passion that I just won’t give up on. I don’t know what I would do without my writing — to have the ability to exorcise these “what ifs” from my mind and transfer them to paper in a story or a poem is something that will never cease to amaze me. Ideas and thoughts freely traipse through my mind and I’m grateful to have an outlet for them — whether it actually produces something worthy or not, that remains to be seen and is certainly up for debate. But it’s something that I love to do and that’s quite enough for me.

Hey, Universe, you’re doing pretty well!

You’ve brought people into my life that I have loved and taken them out again despite my protests. You’ve provided me with opportunities that I have analyzed, weighed, and either taken or rejected. You’ve shown me signs, which I admit I have ignored, and opened doors that probably should have been padlocked in the first place.

But I have learned. You have given me the gifts that I need in order to shrug at the missed road sign and turn down another road, to follow that road as it winds through fields of missed opportunity and breaks sharply at hard lessons, to realize that detours are short and inevitable and eventually I will find and travel along that highway again.

You have given me a taste of love and opportunity and have taken it away again. Despite my tears and my curses and my wondering just what the hell I had done to deserve this, I have learned that you’ve treated me fairly and well. With a taste of both, I can now move forward and recognize it. Now I know what to look for, now I know that I am capable and deserving of both. Now I know, if I just let go, it will find me again when I least expect it.

Thank you for my life.