Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I’m going back to the start…
Coldplay, “The Scientist”

These past two years have been tumultuous, to say the least, although looking back, I don’t think I regret one bit of it. It’s been a roller coaster ride of slow uphill battles and fast declines, filled with anxiety and thrills as I coasted on an uncertain track. Tomorrow, I return to the beginning of the ride as I begin a new full time job at my old place of employment, in my old department, in my old position.

I’ve come full circle.

In 2007, I left my job at a local bank because I was determined to find a job in my field. I was fresh out of college and eager to use my degree in English, eager to return to my love of writing and find that creative outlet that I thought had been lost amid numbers and data-entry.

I was ecstatic to move into a new position with a company’s corporate communications department, a job that, ultimately, had a greater negative affect on me than I had realized at the time. My decision to leave was one I had questioned for months before handing in my letter of resignation, and though the next two years of temp jobs was both exciting and discouraging, it was the right one for all that I had learned, all I had met, and all I had rediscovered within myself since.

These past two months had been difficult, as even temporary work was hard to come by. And while I’ve been a huge advocate for this type of employment, I had recently become discouraged. I craved some type of permanence and stability; I wanted responsibility and a challenge. While being in-between assignments afforded me time for creative projects, I found myself less productive than ever.

I longed for structure, longed for work.

I actually found myself longing for a traditional 9-5.

A friend and ex-colleague told me about an open position at my old job. I hemmed and I hawed and I questioned myself. Could I return to my old job? Was that even possible? Would it seem like I was taking a step back? Would it be a positive decision or would it feel desperate?

The more I thought about it, the more the pros outweighed the cons. I loved my job while I had been there, but I left because I was young and stubborn and ambitious, because that next opportunity had been so enticing and, in many ways, though it ended negatively, it had been a learning experience.

And where I’ve been and who I’ve become since is something I will never, ever regret.

I’ve since realized that the fixed track I’d been following was laid out all along, leading me here: right to this moment, to this experience, to this second chance. Interconnected, it has brought me back to the beginning but with lessons learned, a knowledge more profound, a sense of self better realized.

One thing has led to another, and that has all led to a balance of structure and creativity that I hadn’t even realized I had been seeking, that I never believed was really possible.

Once upon a time, I may have dreaded returning to an old job for fear that it was a step back. Now, instead, I have butterflies of excitement as I think about friendly, familiar colleagues and the challenges and responsibilities that await me, realizing that it’s not so much where you’re going, but where you’ve been and how far you’ve come that makes the difference.

A new ride is about to begin. And for the first time in a long time, I’m excited to see what this one has in store.

It’s been a bit over a year since this blog first debuted — a year of ups and downs, highs and lows, tears and laughter. I have changed, I have grown, I have learned. Along the way, I’ve met some incredible people who are traveling this leg of the journey with me — as other young professionals, as other twenty-somethings.

I’ve said before that I believe things are connected — I believe that there are events in your life that make other events possible. I once likened it to a game of connect the dots, but I think that there is more than one puzzle here, all of it connecting to form a much larger picture. So maybe it’s more like a quilt, with each thread forming a patch, and each patch making up the whole of the quilt.

Over the past year, I’ve followed a lot of threads. Some I thought were wrong and I wanted to go back and take out the stitching, to completely redo it. But even mistakes can be beautiful, I’ve come to understand; mistakes mean that you have the chance to learn, grow, and meet people who might have otherwise passed your way, unnoticed…

When I resigned from my job in communications and decided to work as a temporary employee until I found another job, I didn’t expect the places it would lead me. The stress of the job hunt, the desire to express myself and rediscover a passion (and myself), led to the creation of this blog as an outlet. And this blog led to a community of bloggers on Brazen Careerist.

That network on Brazen Careerist led to a community where I could share my own experiences and learn from others, valuing their perspectives, their insights, and even their friendship. It connected me with other young professionals and career strategists who showed me the importance of managing my own career; it was a blend of ideas coming from all angles. It was more than a place to explain your past experience, more than a place to paste your resume and look for a job — it was a place for community and conversation, learning and debate as you began to build your own career and showcase your potential.

Brazen Careerist has expanded upon these ideas, along with the foundation of community, with the launch of their new site. The site implements groups that furthers connections and encourages discussion based on interests and locations, while profiles illustrate your potential by highlighting your ideas and experience. The new homepage features the “Fan Feed,” similar to other social networking sites, which streams ideas and blog posts from other members you choose to follow — your chosen community — and if you’re looking to meet new bloggers and expand those connections, the Featured Posts section is still available on the sidebar.

So many of my own recent threads are all inter-connected, making up the whole of the past two years and experiences I once may have only dreamed of, culminating to bring me to where I am now, all linking back to the starting point of the blog and the people that Brazen Careerist has brought into my life. For me, it goes beyond readers, beyond the blog. It’s a community of professionals that has the ability to turn personal and become such a positive force. Like a neighborhood where people with similar goals but a wide spectrum of interests step onto their porch and share bits of wisdom gained from experience, pieces of their lives that they’re open enough to share so that others may learn and grow as well.

My threads have led me here, making up this community patch in the quilt that might represent my life. Where have your threads led you?

All of my regret
Will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget
The way I feel right now…
Rob Thomas, “Little Wonders”

I wish I could say that I’m proud of what I did today. I wish I could say that I stuck it out for at least awhile. I wish I could say that I would do it any differently.

But I can’t.

I started a new temp assignment today. Six and a half hours later I was driving on my way to meet with the employment agency after having a conversation with my new boss, explaining the best that I could that I wouldn’t — couldn’t — return.

My temp agency had called me two weeks ago asking if I would be willing to do dictation work for a social services agency. It was a job, it was income, it was something that would continue to keep me busy and my skills matched the position, so I readily agreed. This morning I went in as enthusiastic as ever; I was eager to meet new people, eager to learn about a new industry, eager to play with that pedal thing that controls the tape recorder. I had about a half hour of training before my new boss excused herself for a meeting, and so I decided to just jump right on in and start typing up the case.

The actual job itself was easy — listen to what the caseworker was saying and transcribe it into a word document, formatting it in accordance with previous sessions. Simple. Three and a half hours and two tapes later, I was finished with the case. No problem, right?

Only, yeah. There was.

I swallowed back tears as I ate my PB&J sandwich and gulped down a bottle of water. I breathed in, I breathed out; I tried to distract myself by counting how many different colors made up the cubicle paneling (answer: not enough.).

Later in the afternoon, I was handed some copy work and another case. I barely looked at the pages I was copying as I fed them through the machine. But that other case? That couldn’t be helped. I tried to hold back tears as my stomach fell and my heart broke and I shook my head, ashamed to be human. I gathered up the completed file and crossed the building to where my new boss was located. Handing her the file, I asked if I could speak with her privately, to which she guided me into a secluded conference room. I tried to keep my wavering voice steady, tried to remind myself that I was a professional, tried to separate from the situation and become unfeeling, uncaring…Tried to become not me.

I couldn’t. I apologized profusely, explained that I was trying to be professional and that I was here to help them. But she nodded sympathetically and said she understood. She had been at her job for 31 years and cried every single day in the beginning. Even now, she said, she couldn’t do what those caseworkers did; not everyone can. And I nodded and said that I respected and admired every single person in that building because I couldn’t do it. Not even as a temp, not even for a relatively short amount of time.

I’ve never quit anything like this before; usually, I would have looked at it as a learning experience and stuck it out for what it could teach me, for as long as I possibly could. But this wasn’t a bad job, and it wasn’t what the work itself entailed. It was everything else behind the work. I just couldn’t do it. Every single part of me said that I wasn’t strong enough for this. Not this time.

She said that she was sad to see me go because she thought I would fit in perfectly and that I had been so personable that morning, but I could see sincere sympathy from her and I knew that she understood, possibly better than anyone. So I apologized again and we bid each other good luck and best wishes and I gathered my things and drove to the temp agency where I sat down with them, where they were, gratefully, just as understanding, if not a little surprised.

I could have handled anything else, I think, because I’ve learned and I’ve grown and I’ve experienced all of that before. I could have handled the tough boss, the catty co-workers, the challenging workloads…But I couldn’t handle this. And I’m still not entirely sure why.

Suffice it to say, I feel very weak right now. Very much like a failure, a disappointment. Though through it all, I also know that it was the right decision for me. Yes, I would have learned. Yes, I would have developed a thicker-skin. But with where I am now, with where I’ve been the past few weeks, I know, beyond reason, that it would have done more harm than good. Because I would have wanted to help. And I wouldn’t have been able to. And I would have taken it all to heart and I wouldn’t have been able to handle that.

I did learn from today, though. Possibly more in six hours than I could have ever realized, and maybe that’s the point. So much was placed into perspective for me, and I feel almost ashamed that this is what led to it.

I have no right to complain. I have no reason to cry. I have been blessed with a beautiful life and I should thank my lucky stars for everything that I have and be grateful every single moment for every single day for every single piece of it.

Because there are those who are hurting and not comforted. There are those who are alone and not loved. There are those who are vulnerable who can’t speak up for themselves.

These children are in circumstances where they are tested every single day, and they live every single day with a quiet strength at which I can only wonder and admire. And then there are the people who help them realize that strength, help them find that voice. And I can only watch them in awe and be grateful for who they are and what they do and wonder if I will ever have the strength to be able to do the same.

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming…
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“You’ll never reach it…”
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most
Just gotta keep going…
Miley Cyrus, “The Climb”

I started up the full-time job search again. I’d been working with a temporary employment agency for about two years as a means for income, opportunity, experience, and learning while I continued the search for something in my field. But then I became satisfied with where I was and what I was doing and that all came to a halt.

Truthfully, I think I began to believe that anything was better than where I had been a year or so ago. So what had been something to temporarily hold me over while I looked for that job match — you know, that one position and company that fits you perfectly and you can imagine many happy years together — slowly began to transform into complacency.

I will advocate for temporary employment every chance I get, especially if someone is in the position that I found myself, but especially if someone is a freelancer or looking to start their own business. Temporary employment is flexible, it’s a (fairly) steady stream of income, it allows you to meet new people, and you’re constantly learning and expanding your skill set. I love being a temp for all of the opportunities that it has afforded me.

However, lately I’ve been wanting something more. I want the challenge, I want something that can sustain my ambitious and driven nature. I want to explore my interests and work in my field.

I want to love my job, what I do. Like perhaps all human beings, I want a purpose.

This past year has been a whirlwind, though that might be an understatement. After such a long time of frustrating stagnation, things picked up and began to move forward at a steady pace. I was grateful, I was happy. But now?

I’m ready for overdrive.

Let me pause for a moment because I have a very strong feeling I might regret saying that.

It’s never been more true, though. I’m ready for things to happen, and for everything I’ve been working for to keep going forward. I’ve been working hard, and while I can’t quite be sure what it’s for, exactly, or where I’ll end up or what it all means, while I may not know where I’m headed, I do know that I’m headed for somewhere.

I’m on my own path and that path belongs to no one else. It’s a reminder I have to keep telling myself as I face confusion and frustration and my mind begins to play tricks and whispers words of inadequacy and comparison. And the road I’m on is still young, still new, still freshly paved. But it’s a long road.

So I’m starting the full-time job search again, willing to relocate and explore if the position calls for it; perfectly content with staying where I am if life takes me on that route as well. Part of the adventure, I’m finding, is the unknown. It’s a scary place, but the best things have happened when I’ve been most afraid. And I know that this will be no exception.

I’m continuing down the road I’m on, in the meantime finding the motivation to all the while move towards my dreams. I’ve never felt more certain that this road I’m following is the right one. And I may have veered off course for awhile, but I’m back exactly where I need to be.

Just a little patience. Just a little faith.

It’s a long road…

But we’re just getting started.

Even if your hope has burned with time
Anything that is dead shall be re-grown…
I felt this thing I can’t replace
When everyone was working for this goal…
You will be fine.
Angels and Airwaves, The Adventure

I’m not quite sure what it is about recent posts by other bloggers that inspire me to question what these topics and thoughts mean in relation to my own life; however, I do know that this is what blogging is all about — community, conversation, cementing opinions and gaining new insight. I want to thank these bloggers for sharing their thoughts, sparking this conversation, and allowing me to go off on tangents. Blame them.

Ryan Stephens of Ryan Stephens Marketing recently wrote an insightful blog post where he discussed the idea that people from all walks add value to your own life, shaping it in ways that sometimes can’t be foreseen because you’re constantly growing, changing, and re-evaluating goals and dreams and your own version of success. Priorities change and values are reshaped, and what you once felt was so important may begin to shift as others take its place.

“Some days I want to be a millionaire by the time I’m 35. Sometimes I want to do enough to support a family, and spend as much time as I can with my family and friends. Occasionally I want to find a small liberal arts school and teach online marketing, personal branding, etc. and coach their baseball team to 5 national titles.”

I’ve been grappling with the issue of what the definition of success is for awhile. It seems people are constantly talking about the importance of being successful, and envy tends to rear its head when you see someone accomplishing what you can only dream.

Only, is it really your dream?

I’ve come to a conclusion that success is relative; it means something different for each individual. And just because someone else is achieving success, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t, that you haven’t already.

I think that we tend to get so caught up in competition with each other — wanting to be the best employee, parent, blogger, writer — that we fool ourselves into thinking that this is what’s important, losing sight of what we really want in order to “be the best,” in order to be what we perceive is successful.

This competition is great in that it motivates us, makes us work harder, helps us strive to do more and be our best, but sometimes the landscape of our passions change, and so do our priorities. Sometimes, that dream of being a millionaire at 35 doesn’t seem so important when you find out what it means to have a family. Sometimes, you unexpectedly realize that coaching a little league team is just as fulfilling as playing in the major leagues.

Does that mean that you’re settling? Giving up on a dream?

Never.

It means that you’re changing, re-evaluating your life and what is important to you, basing your version of success on those values.

Personally, I always equaled being a successful writer with being published, and being an author is a dream that I’m never willing to give up on. However, as I follow through on other passions, I’m beginning to find the value in what I’m doing, able to appreciate how far I’ve come, and able to see that, in my own life, where happiness and family and love is so important to me, I’ve achieved that measure of success.

And I know that I’ll continue to do so as I continue to grow.

It’s important to honor each success as they come, no matter how small they might be. We shouldn’t compare ourselves with others; what’s important is how we acknowledge what it means to us as individuals.

Don’t negate how far you’ve come just because you haven’t yet reached that top tier. What you may find is that it shifts as you change, as you grow, as you re-evaluate your life and discover and rediscover what matters most.