It’s amazing, and somewhat discomforting, to realize how things can change so much, so quickly. After such a long period of stagnation, it seemed as if everything was just beginning to look up. Things were happening: I had opportunities, I had goals, I had a plan. Fortunately, the opportunity is still there, I’m holding fast to my goals, and my plan is moving forward. However, I’m learning that perhaps I need to put the idea of being more flexible into practice.
I’ve had some unexpected health issues the past three weeks that have left me feeling a mix of emotions, namely frustration and anxiety. My doctor believes that I have a mono-like virus due to some physical symptoms and blood work results, and although I’ve undergone a series of tests for other symptoms that gratefully show I’m otherwise healthy, it’s frustrating to feel like something is wrong with your body and yet you don’t know what it is. This has led to increased anxiety — anxiety that I absolutely don’t have room for right now.
I can’t begin to explain how not me I am. In addition to feeling like crap, I’m a bit of a mess: I can’t focus, I’ve become increasingly sensitive and pessimistic, and I feel like I’m five again — I need my Mom and Dad. This is not Independent Susan. This is a Susan that is completely foreign to me, a Susan I don’t recognize. I think I’ve laughed twice in three weeks and smiled even less. When I’m not smiling, there’s definitely something wrong.
After two trips to the ER and countless doctors visits, we’re still not sure what’s going on, but we’re trying to narrow everything down and rule things out. I don’t remember ever feeling quite this bad before or having it last for so long, and I want it to stop. Immediately.
…But since telling myself off obviously isn’t working, we’re going to continue seeking answers while hoping that I get better on my own. However, because my health has caused such a huge hiccup these past three weeks, particularly at work, I have become increasingly worried about losing my job (yes, fortunately, it’s a temporary job and not a career, but it‘s one that I rather enjoy). So, I talked to my boss.
I’ve always believed in being honest with my supervisors about personal issues that arise, especially when those issues are affecting my work. As foolish as this may sound, I believe that it’s my responsibility as an employee to let them know so that they may make accommodations to the benefit of the company, even though I hope that those accommodations benefit me as well. Plus, plain and simple, I have a lot of respect for them.
I like to think that my supervisors and coworkers know the “real” me, that they know my regular work habit and performance and that they see that I am genuinely enthusiastic about my job. So when something changes, and when it becomes apparent in my work, as has been the recent case, I hope that I can rely on my past performance. Luckily for me, I have proven myself and my capabilities, and my boss is sensitive to my issue.
Last week I told her the situation and explained how much I regretted putting her and the rest of the staff in such a position. She said that she understood from experience how hard it is to function when you’re feeling so bad and that I can’t push myself too much, as I had been doing. She reassured me that I’m a vital member of the team and that my past performance had indeed proven my capabilities; however, my health was the most important thing, and they would work with me while I got better. So we worked out a schedule where I will be working part-time for a little while, benefiting both my health and my job: working half days would ensure that I get the rest I need while also allowing me to be more productive during the time I am there.
The relief I felt as I left her office was indescribable. It’s nice to know you have someone on your side.
That’s the update: sporadic posting will continue throughout the next couple of weeks; thanks for hanging in there with me.