There’s A Future In Our Stars

by Susan Pogorzelski on December 29, 2011 · 1 comment

Life brings on unexpected changes
But we must carry on despite it
Are we gonna try,
Are we gonna make it?

* * * * *

I didn’t see it coming — not any of it.

Not the peace and solace and independence of a home to call my own.

Not the return of a faith I’d all but forgotten, a faith I had once upon a time denounced.

Not one of the most powerfully emotion-evoking experiences of my life.

And certainly not the illness.

And definitely not the tattoo

I wish I could say that I’d had it all planned — the good parts, anyway. I wish I could say that I knew that this past year would be about healing, that I’d had some kind of foresight and that I didn’t have to resort to healing physically when I refused to let go and heal emotionally.

I wish I could say I had welcomed the new year with a heart full of wishes — and maybe they were there, those hopes and resolutions and dreams. But they remained there, distant and unsung as the days crept into weeks and the weeks turned to months.

As a year flew by.

I didn’t expect this past year to unfold as it did, with its challenges and changes in this never-ending story of life, but maybe life is sweeter that way.

Maybe the tears that are shed are worth it as you remember how to smile.

Maybe the pain and heartache that seem to suffocate you helps you hold on.

Maybe the darkness shows you where’s there’s light.

No, I definitely didn’t expect any of it, but I’m somehow grateful for all of it.

Because for the very first time, I’m not just talking about moving on, moving forward; for the first time, I’m not anxiously wondering what the future will hold while longing for the safety and comfort of the past.

For the first time, I’m saying goodbye for the last time.

There’s a wish in my heart now as the new year draws near. A wish and a hope and a prayer that this healing lasts, that this sense of renewal, this rediscovered sense of self, this faith continues to grow and guide and embrace.

We’ve come so far…I never expected any of it.

I’m grateful for all of it.

For the first time, in a long time, I can’t wait to see what happens next.

* * * * *

There is a future in our stars
There is beauty that is ours
We’re gonna make it…
– Lenny Kravitz, “The Future Song”

 

Reflections

A sampling of posts from the past year…

Once There Was A Darkness
(Posted: January 5, 2011)

I can’t say for sure when or how things changed, but I can feel it every single day. And I can feel that I’m still changing with every moment. There are times when I want to hide away, but I know now that’s more my reflective nature than an escape, and while the fear still resides, I’m realizing that it has only served as an unnecessary blockade to everything that’s important to me:

Learning. Loving.

Living.

You Won’t Find Faith or Hope Down A Telescope
(Posted: January 26, 2011)

Science means questioning and testing the world around you. Spirituality means believing in something that can’t be proven true.

We often divide the subjects into these two categories: fact vs. faith. But maybe it isn’t as simple as that. Maybe the two somehow go hand-in-hand as we try to discover more about ourselves and our world: experimenting, believing, questioning, learning.

Maybe it’s about taking the scientific approach and hypothesizing, experimenting, trying while having faith that you’re working towards something, that a dream can possibly come true.

To Dream of Love
(Posted: February 14, 2011)

I dreamt that we were in love, something that I haven’t felt in years, at least, not in the waking world and not at this capacity.

And it seemed in all this time between love and now I’d forgotten what it was like to  imagine forever being so near; I’d forgotten how to let myself love as I want to love, fully and unrelenting and, in turn, I’d forgotten how to be loved. 

Welcome To My Silly Life
(Posted: March 8, 2011)

Later, I’ll wonder again how someone like him could love me as he does, wonder what he could possibly see in me when there are thousands of other girls, wonder what he can see in me that I can’t see in myself.

Later, I’ll think I’m proven right when the tears fall freely, when this moment becomes just a memory in this closed chapter in this story of my life.

But now, I believe him.

Tears Are Not Enough
(Posted: April 4, 2011)

One person can’t fix the world. Not on their own, no matter who they are, not without breaking or drowning themselves in the process.

Maybe that’s why we all have our own causes, the ones that touch our hearts, the ones we shed our tears over, the ones that become so personal that we can’t believe others don’t feel the same way, the ones that make us want to build that awareness so that others can understand not only why it touches you so, but to encourage their participation, their own efforts for change.


Untouchable

(Posted: April 27, 2011)

No, self-esteem isn’t a switch you can flip, but it’s a battle against the voices that haunt you, the voices that sound so very much like your own, that threaten to spread it’s poison as it belittles you, as it demeans the goodness in who you are.

It’s a journey — a very personal and difficult journey — in discovering and rediscovering and discovering yet again who you are and why you are so loved.

Misunderstood.
(Posted: May 12, 2011)

Compassion is how I connect with people; passion is how I connect to life, and these forums showcase some of the deepest parts of myself because this is my way of expression. This is a part of who I am, this is who I am as a writer, this is who I am in my deepest, secret heart of hearts, this is who I am at the core of my person. But this is not all of me, not by a longshot.

You Will Not Be Alone
(Posted: May 17, 2011)

Maybe this is why I hold on so dearly to everything that I love, why I’m so desperately afraid to move on, move forward. Because goodbye may mean so long, for now, but it still means saying goodbye.

Gather Up Your Tears, Love
(Posted: May 28, 2011)

He wrote me recently, a brief, quick note saying that his grandmother had found a picture of us from high-school prom, a memory that made him write three words that tore right into me: “I miss you.”

Happy.
(Posted: July 5, 2011)

I wanted to hang onto this feeling — this understanding of who I am and what my place in this world might be, this revelation that we’re all growing up and, though I fought so hard against it, how beautiful it can be…Because if growing up means your best friend is this happy, then it has to be worth it, it has to be something good.

Silence
(Posted: August 15, 2011)

Maybe all it takes is silence to learn how to listen.

Maybe all it takes is listening to find your voice again.

 Maybe in this silence, I’ll find what I’ve been missing.

Goodbye Alice In Wonderland
(Posted: September 5, 2011)

Maybe I’m just like those doctors and their prescriptions. Maybe I’ve been fooling myself into thinking that all it would take was a couple of smiles, a couple moments of happiness, of reminding myself who I am and it would all be better…Maybe I’d been fooling myself into thinking I could be so strong.

Building Up Hope
(Posted: October 4, 2011)

I know it now, tonight, hearing my mom’s voice on the other end of the phone as she calls to check in on me, as she hears the tears in my voice — the first time in these six weeks I’ve cried — as I tell her I love her. That I’ll always love her.

And I’ll always need her.

Like A Prayer
(Posted: October 17, 2011)

I’m supposed to be learning something from this, right? To put things into perspective, to understand that this is just a moment in a life and I’ll get through it, that people have been through much harder, much worse. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be learning?

From Dust To Diamond
(Posted: November 7, 2011)

Because he loves me, unconditionally, and in him, I can unabashedly place all the love I hold in my heart — a love that runs so deep, so full, that it constantly threatens to spill over; a love that I’ve only ever longed to share, and it’s in this creature who knows the depth of love, too, that I can share it without shame, without fear of judgment or rejection.

Love Infinity
(Posted: December 12, 2011)

Remember love?
It was times infinity…

What Remains
(Posted: December 20, 2011)

It’s been the last piece in this journey as I get back to who I am, who I’m proud to be. It’s the reminder that time heals in so many forms, that to hold on, you have to let go, that life will be filled with hellos and goodbyes and nothing can keep the heart from hurting, but that just means the loving was strong.

* * * * *

We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.
We are going to put words on them ourselves.
The book is called Opportunity
and its first chapter is New Year’s Day. 
~Edith Lovejoy Pierce~

Happy New Year!

 

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