Life, Personal Development

Silence

In this silence
I believe

Delirium ft. Sarah McLachlan, “Silence”

 

I opened up my email tonight, skimming through the messages I’ve intentionally left bolded for weeks, meant to be read another day, another time.

Not now.

Pending creative projects, hello updates from friends, unfinished drafts of blog posts that I so desperately want to finish, ideas and thoughts I want to articulate, feelings I so desperately want to understand…

But I can’t.

I feel empty.

Empty of words, yet so full of life, and I wonder: is it always one or the other?

I’ve gained so much these last few months: I’ve seen the value of hard work and determination, learned that nothing comes so easily that’s worthwhile and that everything happens in its own time, when it’s ready for you, not when you’re ready for it.  I’ve learned to see me, to really see who I am and how I’ve grown and appreciate the beauty in that change for the first time in a very long time; I’ve embraced the reflection in the mirror, I’ve remembered who I am at my core…I’ve begun to laugh again that deep-belly laugh and giggle my way to smiles and tears.

I’ve sparked new, amazing friendships and tended the flames of old ones. I’ve held hands that needed holding, I’ve given hugs of solace and embraced excitement, I’ve placed and answered late night phone calls when we needed reminding that the night lasts for only so long…

I’ve said my goodbyes. Again.

I’ve realized this is my final goodbye as I tuck my past and those I’ve loved and lost in the secret spaces of my heart, where memory and love reside.

I’ve realized I’m finally ready to say hello to a future that never felt safe, in all its uncertainty. Still, a future that holds promise, if I’m willing to give it a chance.

So, I’ve learned and I’ve grown and I’ve seen my life begin to change as I’ve begun to change. And, still, I wonder how I can feel so full and still so empty?

I miss feeling connected, miss that self-awareness, miss the comfort that comes with wondering and philosophizing and seeking your own answers, your own truths.

I miss talking to the Universe.

I miss God.

Last week, I joked with friends that I was no longer talking to the Universe. Maybe it’s why I haven’t been writing.

I haven’t been willing to listen.

So I sat down tonight, intent on trying to figure out what’s been going on with me, why this mental block, why I can’t articulate anything at all — and why I’m just excusing it by saying “I’m busy” or “I’m living and enjoying life instead of writing about it.”

It’s bullshit.

The truth is, I’ve been afraid of finding the answer: Afraid that for all that I’ve learned, I’d forgotten the lessons.

Afraid that for all that I’ve gained, I’ve lost that much more.

Afraid that there’s nothing left.

I sat down tonight, ready to procrastinate on Twitter or Facebook or Netflix like any other night. But as I skimmed through my new emails, I accidentally opened one I originally had no intention of reading.

A Note from the Universe:

There is a silence, a peace, and a calm that belies every moment, Susan.
You’ll find me there.

 

Maybe all it takes is silence to learn how to listen.

Maybe all it takes is listening to find your voice again.

 

Actually, you can find me anywhere, Susan, but there in the silence I’m harder to miss.


Maybe in this silence, I’ll find what I’ve been missing.

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “Silence”

  1. Pingback: Kristina Duncan
  2. Beautiful post. As always it has left us all, I believe, wondering, thinking…
    Do I dare to look into myself in the silence or do I try to avoid it whenever possible but when left with no choice and faced with my own mind, no distractions from tv, computer, phone… what do I do, don’t I just escape into blankness and numbness?
    It’s so scary and necessary to look for God because looking for him we find a lot about ourselves, about the world and other people. We find the past and happy memories, and lost things, situations and most importantly people… and then I wonder should I try to escape looking for God because the pain of living without him is easier or just maybe easier to bear with in everyday life, than facing love that’s lost and all other beautiful things and people and times that can never be back, that can never come back to be re-lived again?
    Maybe it’s easier because it seems that God in his essence requests from us complete devotion, complete acceptance for everything that happen, happens and will happen.
    It’s hard because it takes facing loss, regrets, memories, happiness, that’s inevitably, simply – lost.
    He wants us to accept and give up on everything, not looking back but taking the lessons from all of it, from every moment, from every person.
    It’s all worth it, I think. Because there’s some peace and serenity, that overwhelms us with His help, in this world, where nothing lasts.

  3. Pingback: Audrey 1989
  4. I have been receiving notes from the Universe for a few years and they never cease to make my day better.

    It’s one of the only subscriptions that I open because I know that it’s going to make me feel better/more at peace!

    Thanks for the beautiful post 🙂

    Courtney

  5. Pingback: Courtney Johnston
  6. Interesting. Maybe we inhabit different universes, because my universe never shuts up. It’s talking all the TO me and AT me. I’m going to tell my universe to read your post and take serious note.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *