Gather Up Your Tears, Love

by Susan Pogorzelski on May 28, 2011 · 8 comments

There’s a boy here in town who says he’ll love me forever,
who would have thought forever could be severed…

Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
save them for a time when you’re really gonna need them.
- The Band Perry, “If I Die Young”

 

He wrote me recently, a brief, quick note saying that his grandmother had found a picture of us from high-school prom, a memory that made him write three words that tore right into me: “I miss you.”

It’s at a time when I’m facing my own nostalgia — missing not my ex-boyfriend, and not us, but those moments, those feelings, those memories that have made me grow up with fond ideas of love, making me believe that, in its strength, anything is possible, that you’re never alone, making me feel lucky that I found it once and certain I’ll find it again.

When now I wonder if I will find it again…

It’s a time when my armor is down, my heart open for the wounding, a time when I wonder if I’ll ever be able to make those memories with another or if I’ll have to settle for this contentment, when happiness feels just out of reach and maybe never truly within my grasp, though there are moments, though there are smiles.

My neighbor recently went through his own breakup, and as I sit on the porch and he leans on his fence, he talks and I listen. Because that’s what I do…that’s why I’m here, right? And my heart breaks, because I know that pain of trying to fix things and realizing how  all can fall apart so easily, questioning if you deserve even a small taste of what love is, not understanding how you can feel so much and how that can’t be returned. And that’s who I am, isn’t it?

He misses her, my neighbor says, and my heart goes out to him and I nod. I know. And as he goes back inside, I pull out my phone and read over the message again, a message I can’t bring myself to delete.

And I think, yes, I miss being missed.

I miss having someone there to comfort me during thunderstorms…or even during my own internal storms. I miss having someone to laugh with across the dinner table, someone to cook dinner for. I miss the spontaneity that comes from being a part of something.

I miss being a part of something.

And while I can take care of myself — while I’ve proven that to myself time and again — I can’t help but miss being taken care of, can’t help thinking, “I don’t want to have to take care of myself anymore.” But no, it’s not only that…I miss having someone want to take care of me. Someone to listen in earnest to all of these emotions shooting through my heart; someone to wordlessly wrap their arms around me and pull me against them, so I can hear their heartbeat, so that it calms my own; someone to brush my hair away from my face, to cup my cheek in their hand as the tears threaten to fall as they tell me that it will all be alright.

It will all be alright, they’ll say. They’re not going anywhere.

And for the first time in a long time, I’ll let myself believe that it’s real, that it’s true.

I can’t help wanting to feel safe, when everything feels so uncertain.  I can’t help wanting to feel needed, wanted, when I feel so helplessly forgotten. I can’t help thinking that I’ve just started loving myself again, so when will it be possible to believe that someone can love me, too?

And I can’t help thinking that of everything in this life, the one thing that eludes me — the one thing I long for the most — is something I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for, something that I’m a little bit afraid of because I’ve spent so much time convincing myself that, while I may want love, I don’t need it.

Maybe it’s a weakness to want to feel like I’m someone special to someone special, when it takes just a visit or a phone call — or a simple, three-line message that says someone was thinking of you…

Someone was missing you.

Maybe it’s wrong to think I don’t have love in my life when love surrounds me every single day, a love that I’m so grateful for, a love I would never wish to replace.

And maybe I’m so selfish to want something more.

But I want something more.

I was something more. And tonight, I’m reminded that I had someone who loved me once; I had someone I loved.

Tonight, I’m reminded that I meant something once; I meant enough to be missed.

Tonight…I miss what’s missing.

 

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Janet Oberholtzer May 28, 2011

Susan .. what a moving piece!
Great writing! Sad, honest, real and moving …

You wrote … “I’ve spent so much time convincing myself that, while I may want love, I don’t need it.”

I hope that your want gets met whether you ‘need’ it or not!

Life can be brutal, but I can’t help but ask if love is everywhere … shouldn’t our wants be met as easily as our needs?

Continue being YOU … truly, freely and confidently!

Reply

Susan Pogorzelski June 1, 2011

Janet: Thanks so much for your comment! The question you pose is such a good one — why is it so hard to express what we want? And why is it ok to accept so easily what we need and disregard what we want? Definitely an interesting thought to ponder. Thanks once again for all of the encouragement — and it was so great to finally meet you! Best of luck on your writing. :)

Reply

Audrey1119 May 29, 2011

This gets to me despite (or maybe just because) I never had what you wrote about. And where I am right now, I don’t believe I ever will.
They say that it’s “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” but I don’t agree.
While I can imagine what I’m missing out, you have a true memories of a touch, words, everything you’ve been through together. But I think you’ll be alright because you are learning to love yourself and it will bring that special love to your life.

You wrote that it might be wrong to need “that” love when you already have so much love in your life. It’s not. I have so much love in my life but there are some places in our hearts and soules that are always empty until the RIGHT person fills them.

Reply

Susan Pogorzelski June 2, 2011

Ana: Three months ago, I was exactly where you are (my own prior relationship experience notwithstanding), believing I would never find that again, believing I wasn’t worthy of it, wasn’t worthy of any kind of love. I’m not sure what turned that around, but, somehow, I’m turning myself around.

It sometimes takes a long time to heal from our experiences, whatever they may be…and it’s ok to take that time. Loving yourself and allowing others to love you is a process and not an easy one at that. But you do discover something special at the end: you discover yourself again. And you discover that you’re beautiful and special and worthwhile. And that opens the doors for someone to discover that about you, as well.

I love how you say “I have so much love in my life but there are some places in our hearts and souls that are always empty until the right person fills them.” So eloquent and so true. May we BOTH find the right person to fill them.

So much love to you…

Reply

Positively Present May 29, 2011

Susan, I’ve been where you are right now and I really do believe you’ll find what’s missing again. Everything happens for a reason and at a time that it is supposed to. What’s meant to be will find a way when it’s ready to happen!

Reply

Susan Pogorzelski June 2, 2011

Dani: I can’t help but have hope. And I can’t help wanting more and feeling that there’s something more. But, at the same time, I’m taking your words to heart, because I do believe that everything happens in its time and for a reason. Thanks for that…And I love, love, love the happiness that you’ve found yourself. :)

Reply

Suburban Sweetheart May 29, 2011

This is a great entry, so wonderfully written… <3

Reply

Susan Pogorzelski June 2, 2011

Thanks so much, Kate! So glad to see you here :)

Reply

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