It takes your mind again
It takes your mind again
Oh, you meant so much
Have you given up?
Now you’re thinking too fast,
You’re like marbles on glass…
The National, “Exile Vilify”
My house was full this weekend…Full of people, full of happiness, full of love as I hosted my best friend’s bridal shower. Full of warmth, full of well-wishes, full of hope for a future…
Now the guests and friends are gone, the furniture is back in order, the dishes washed and dried and put away…And I look around the living room, watch Mikey climb the stairs to wander who-knows-where, listen as Riley’s breathing beside me competes with the gentle, rhythmic pattern of the rain against the glass as it grows dark and the lamplights go on.
The room glows with the gentle light, and the house itself is full of warmth and comfort and everything I find myself needing in this very moment. I glance around and think, I’ve never loved a place as this, never felt so comforted, so happy, so expressive, reflective.
And the rain continues to fall, and the music continues to play, and my heart continues to beat its own melody.
And little by little, that heart begins to ache.
And one by one, these tears begin to fall.
And moment by moment, the loneliness drowns out everything else.
As word by word is written, I think, I don’t understand.
I think, how can a place be so full one minute and feel so empty the next?
I think, how can happiness fill up the space within these four walls, while the space in my own heart feels so lonely, so isolated?
I think, how can I feel so here and now and so lost again? How can I feel so strong and so fragile, not willing to break, afraid that I can’t stop it? How can a heart sing with joy and sob in a sorrow that can’t be articulated, can barely be explained, that even I can’t define?
How can you know for certain this is where you belong and still feel like you don’t belong at all?
How can you have everything and feel like you don’t have anything, how can you feel so scared to hold on and too frightened to let go?
How can you know love and have love and still long for love?
How can you live a life for nearly twenty-eight years — the life you thought you could only dream — and still wonder if you won’t always be waiting for something else to begin?
I think, I barely understand. And I don’t know how to begin to understand…
The rain begins to let up outside, though I hear the splash of the tires as cars drive past. The song on the music player echoes its last few melodic strains before plunging the room back into silence. My heart calms as Riley snuggles closer to me and my tears dry, leaving its only evidence in traces on reddened cheeks, to be washed away tonight, forgotten, just as the rain has washed away the day, forgotten.
And I close my journal and turn out the lights, and I think…
How can a heart still ache for love…
…when there’s so much love to be found right here.