Life, Personal Development

Picking Up These Pieces

I’m taking part in fellow blogger Mehnaz’s guest post series, appropriately entitled “Get Over It!” I say appropriately because I’ve spent these past few years attempting to let go of the past and move on from heartache in its many forms:

The loneliness I felt upon my grandparents’ passing still unexpectedly takes my breath away, though I seek comfort in family.

The grief I felt when my three beloved dogs died still lingers, though I find joy in my Riley.

The anger and betrayal I felt at God once consumed me, though I’m finding my way back, finding faith again.

The hatred I felt for myself was once poison, though that is dissipating as self-love begins to take its rightful place.

But the fear…Pieces of that old, familiar fear still remains.

 Don’t love too much, Susan, or heartbreak will surely find you.

 Don’t get too close, for eventually they’ll leave.

 Don’t reach out, though you long to reach out, because there’s no guarantee you’ll find them waiting.

Don’t be so vulnerable – for weakness is shame.

These are the fears that bind me, the fears that burrow themselves deep in my heart, the fears that I’ve been trying to leave behind as I go on loving my family fiercely despite the warnings that life happens and I have no control, as I bridge the distance between myself and my friends despite the pull towards caution that they have the choice and can leave me, too, as I reach out to those – even in this community – with whom I sense a connection despite no indication that it will ever be reciprocated and an urge to withdraw when that happens.

It’s why I write here in this space, baring my vulnerability and fighting my weaknesses despite that hesitation to hit publish.

It’s why I’m still fighting to break down those walls and tear away the defenses, despite a piece of my heart wishing someone could do that for me.

It’s why I struggle to maintain control, because letting go too often has meant losing – and that fear of losing what I love is all the more reason why I have to keep fighting, why I have to “get over it,” why I can’t let it keep holding me back, why I have to move on.

To move on from a memory that haunts, to move on from a feeling that shadows…

To move on

and move forward.

Check out my guest post on Mehnaz’s “Get Over It!” guest series.

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