Last night I had a dream…A dream that I was in love.
Maybe it’s entirely apropos, considering today is Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s cliche and completely cheesey and borderline ridiculous to be writing about something so personal, so secret on a day like to day.
If a dream is a wish,
maybe my wish is this…
I can’t remember his name, though I’d whispered it often, and his face upon waking became only a blurred memory, though I remember his eyes – dark blue and full of expression – and I can remember clearly his smile – quiet and genuine and patient.
Most of all, I remember the way we felt: safe, comforted, taken care of…
(Loving and loved that much more in return.)
I dreamt that we were in love, something that I haven’t felt in years, at least, not in the waking world and not at this capacity.
And it seemed in all this time between love and now I’d forgotten what it was like to imagine forever being so near; I’d forgotten how to let myself love as I want to love, fully and unrelenting and, in turn, I’d forgotten how to be loved.
Dreams have a funny way of taking what you long for in your secret heart of hearts and amplifying it by a thousand.
Dreams have a way of haunting you as the night passes into dawn, where, upon waking, for one sleepy moment you wonder which is truth and which is only a fleeting fabrication of the mind.
Dreams have their way of strengthening emotions, magnifying passions, making you feel…
And making you falter.
I dreamed he reached for my hand as we stood on the sand, our fingers interlocking; I dreamed the wind caressed our shoulders and the tide stroked our feet, dreamed he pressed his lips against my hair as I closed my eyes and leaned against him. We were choosing each other, defying a world of affluence and derision, a world that taunted that we didn’t belong…
Echoes that I didn’t belong.
Not with him, not in that world.
And not in love.
I dreamed a cruel dream that I fought to hold onto as the morning sunlight poured through the skylight, a dream that left me just as empty as full of feeling, just as despondent as full of hope, just as lonely as assured that I’ll never be alone.
A dream that made me wonder if I belonged among the loving and the loved.
A dream that made me wonder if I’ll ever belong again.
If I’ll love again.
Last night I dreamed a dream that seemed to slip from my grasp the very moment I opened my eyes, though the memory is there, faded, yet lingering.