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To Dream of Love — twenty(or)something: the archives

To Dream of Love

by Susan Pogorzelski on February 14, 2011 · 13 comments

Last night I had a dream…A dream that I was in love.

Maybe it’s entirely apropos, considering today is Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s cliche and completely cheesey and borderline ridiculous to be writing about something so personal, so secret on a day like to day.

But maybe…

If a dream is a wish,

maybe my wish is this…

I can’t remember his name, though I’d whispered it often, and his face upon waking became only a blurred memory, though I remember his eyes – dark blue and full of expression – and I can remember clearly his smile – quiet and genuine and patient.

Most of all, I remember the way we felt: safe, comforted, taken care of…

(Loving and loved that much more in return.)

I dreamt that we were in love, something that I haven’t felt in years, at least, not in the waking world and not at this capacity.

And it seemed in all this time between love and now I’d forgotten what it was like to  imagine forever being so near; I’d forgotten how to let myself love as I want to love, fully and unrelenting and, in turn, I’d forgotten how to be loved.  

Dreams have a funny way of taking what you long for in your secret heart of hearts and amplifying it by a thousand.

Dreams have a way of haunting you as the night passes into dawn, where, upon waking, for one sleepy moment you wonder which is truth and which is only a fleeting fabrication of the mind.

Dreams have their way of strengthening emotions, magnifying passions, making you feel…

And making you falter.

I dreamed he reached for my hand as we stood on the sand, our fingers interlocking; I dreamed the wind caressed our shoulders and the tide stroked our feet, dreamed he pressed his lips against my hair as I closed my eyes and leaned against him. We were choosing each other, defying a world of affluence and derision, a world that taunted that we didn’t belong…

 Echoes that I didn’t belong.

 Not with him, not in that world.

 And not in love.

I dreamed a cruel dream that I fought to hold onto as the morning sunlight poured through the skylight, a dream that left me just as empty as full of feeling, just as despondent as full of hope, just as lonely as assured that I’ll never be alone.

A dream that made me wonder if I belonged among the loving and the loved.

A dream that made me wonder if I’ll ever belong again.

If I’ll love again.

Last night I dreamed a dream that seemed to slip from my grasp the very moment I opened my eyes, though the memory is there, faded, yet lingering.

A dream.

A wish.

To love.

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

karen February 14, 2011

a very beautiful piece.
thank you for sharing it.

s

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Susan Pogorzelski February 14, 2011

Thank you, Karen! I hope you had a wonderful day!

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Sarah February 14, 2011

Oh Susan, I love you so much, and if anyone deserves that passionate love that you write so well, it’s you. You may not have romantic love this Valentine’s Day, but you have the love of an amazing family who would do anything for you, and of friends who admire and look up to you and want all the best for you. And, you have puppy love!

I can’t wait for the day when you call me and say, “Sarah, he’s the one.” My heart is smiling just thinking about it.

Much love to you, and with all my heart, thanks for being my best friend.

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Susan Pogorzelski February 14, 2011

You got my card, didn’t you? 🙂

If I could write I love you a thousand times, if I could tell you that you’re the sister I always wanted, if I could tell you that you are that lifelong friendship I’ve always waited for, that friendship that will see us sitting on rocking chairs with quilts in our laps…

Well, I guess I just did tell you. You are the best friend I could ask for and I’m so grateful for you.

Now stop making me cry, damnit! 🙂

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Brianne February 14, 2011

Again I say, “Why haven’t you written a book (or seven) yet?” <3

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Susan Pogorzelski February 14, 2011

I’m working on it =P But I always appreciate the vote of confidence, Brianne, thanks so much! And happy love a puppy day! That is what February 14th is all about, isn’t it? 😉 The picture of Raina was too cute! And I have to stop now before I overuse the exclamation points…

XOXO!

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Lyssa February 14, 2011

I absolutely adore you, Susan. Again, a piece with such honesty, vulnerability, and love. You are a brave soul, one I wish I could be more like. You are a gorgeous person, and like Sarah said, I can’t wait for the day you tell us about “the one”– Hearts and hugs, love.

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Susan Pogorzelski February 18, 2011

Can you please come here now so that I can hug you? And we can get Sarah over and have a huge hug-fest that has been, what, two years coming? Has it really been that long?

You two are absolutely right — I have so much love in my life and if I ever, ever doubt that again, I will gladly give you permission to knock some sense into me.

I feel…I feel like something’s coming, as strange as it may sound. I feel like it has taken me a long time to get to where I am — emotionally and mentally. And I know, now, that I wouldn’t have been ready to let love in before. As much as I want to love, being loved in return is equally as important, and I don’t think I would have quite felt like I deserved that.

Josh asked me recently if I was happy with myself, with my life. I told him, for the first time in a long time, I really, really was. And he said something that I think will always stick with me: “Good. Because that means there’s a healthy relationship waiting for you, because if you’re happy with yourself, that’s the best relationship.”

Everyone deserves love. For awhile, I excluded myself from that. But love will come when it’s ready…as strange as it sounds, I’ve never been more certain.

And trust me when I say that’s coming for both of us. YOU are lovely and so giving and so smart and so deserving. Let’s paint the town red in April, you and I! NYC, here come two fabulous femme fatales! 🙂

Love you to pieces.

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Elisa February 15, 2011

I have been dreaming lately that I am an international CIA-type spy. I have been trying to interpret the dream (as more than “I want to be a spy”) but so far just waking up being like “Wow….”

It is difficult to try to compare our dreams to reality, because we control what happens with our eyes closed while there are so many more factors at play when they are open. I have no doubt that someone will fall deeply, madly and beautifully in love with you because you are an amazing woman who oozes all the qualities that make someone want to do that.

Still, those moments when the sunlight comes in to remind us that it was all a dream. Yeah. I hate those moments too…

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Susan Pogorzelski February 18, 2011

Ok, the fact that you dream about being Sydney Bristow just put you on my awesome list (as if you weren’t already there). My more recent dreams about being Buffy Summers I’m just chalking up to watching too much Netflix before bedtime…but maybe there’s something to say for girls who kick ass here… 😉

Thanks, Elisa. From the very bottom of my heart, I mean it. I woke up wanting to cling to that feeling, wanting to make it last, even though I knew it wasn’t real. Our minds can be such a tease, can’t they?

Here’s hoping to the day that the reality becomes better than the fantasy; that’s to say, that the real love overpowers the superficial.

xo

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