Yeah you questioned this life
Sure you wondered about love
But you swear there’s always hope
Always hope from above…
It’s just another breath
It’s just another breath you say
It’s just another step
It’s just another step today…
Collective Soul, “Good Morning After All”
Centuries upon centuries ago, philosophers gazed up at the heavens and wondered how the world worked and what it all meant.
These were people trying to find their purpose, their reason for being, some kind of connection.
And now, here we are in the modern age, trying to do the same.
Questions without answers; theories and beliefs, but nothing definitive; no neon sign claiming: “this is your purpose, your reason for being. This is the answer to that all-encompassing ‘why’.” Nothing that explains why we encounter the things we encounter, why we meet the people why meet, and why we experience what we experience.
I believe that everything has its reason; I believe that in everything there’s a lesson from which to learn and grow.
But I really don’t understand what this is trying to teach me.
I spent most of yesterday in the doctor’s office and the hospital getting tests done — pain caused by another cyst that my family doctor can’t explain because the medicine was supposed to alleviate this symptom.
I have people on my side now, a doctor who recognizes that something is going on, only we don’t know what, people who are willing to work with me and figure out the causes rather than brushing it all aside, and my mom — my mom for whom I’m so grateful, who has been there at every doctor visit, every single step of the way. I have this support that I so appreciate but still, there are so many questions and no answers and I’m trying to find that connection, that ‘why’.
Today, I googled.
I googled, and within ten minutes I managed to scare the ever-loving daylights out of myself, somehow convincing myself that I have every illness listed that begins with A-Z.
I want a name, something to call it. I think I believe that maybe if I know what it is, I can handle it, conquer it; I can control it. I think I believe that I can figure out what I’m supposed to be doing and what I’m supposed to learn from it and where to go from there. But this unknown…
Oh, this unknown. It’s always been one of those lingering fears — blindly trusting and placing your faith in something that never guarantees the outcome you want or expect.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from this. I don’t know where I’m headed or how it adds up in the grand scheme of things. Though I do believe in that, I believe that things add up — moments and experiences that create the life you live and the person that you are. For every other obstacle in my life I can look back and say, “yes, this is what I learned, and this is how it has changed me.” For every other experience, I can say “I understand its purpose and what it means.”
But for this…
I’m left frustrated and confused and feeling a bit guilty that I can’t put it all into perspective, that I can’t shake this fear and frustration, that there are so many others going through so much worse and here I am feeling weak and dejected and a self-pity that I promised myself I would never, ever feel.
I’m left with questions and no answers, beliefs but no reason, trying to figure out where I fit in, where this fits in.
I’m left trying, once again, to figure out how it all works, wondering, as people have always wondered, what it all means.