The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in…
Goo Goo Dolls, “Let Love In”
So this is what healing feels like.
This emotion again bubbling up inside of me from the furthest depths of my heart, this emotion that I haven’t been willing to acknowledge for a very long time because of fear, because of past hurts, because of self-doubt and ever-constant questioning…
I’ve sheltered my heart from any prospects of finding love, placing high expectations on myself and on others, playing the part of the great pretender and convincing myself that I wasn’t worthy of such a strong emotion from another person because I was afraid, because I thought I wasn’t ready, because I thought I still had so far to travel on my own.
I’ve been independent of a relationship for so long and had become so convinced of this self-reliance that I began to believe I didn’t need or even want anyone to disrupt that. After all, I conquered the world — or at least a very small corner of it, found a source of light in some of my darkest moments, walked that long road to discovering myself all on my own.
Except, I wasn’t alone then. Not even at all. When light was shed on those darker corners of life, when tears of sorrow and joy were spilled, when I began to feel more confident in who I am and what lies within my heart, they were there — family, friends, and even this community.
Being independent doesn’t mean being alone, not when you have so much you want to share, not when your heart is fueled with such love and passion, not when you have a sudden realization that you want to be that someone to someone else. Especially not when you begin to understand that these desires transcend even yourself.
For these past two years and longer, I’ve been so consumed with my own self-discovery, trying to figure out who I am, trying to figure out my purpose, trying to figure out how to love myself again. And yet, suddenly, something is awakening inside of me; suddenly I feel a little bit of light peaking through that thick, guarded wall I’d shut myself behind. Suddenly, I feel myself opening up to the prospect of love again, not so much because I want to be loved in return, but because I have so much I want to share, because I want to be for that someone what so many have been to me.
Little by little, I feel that solid structure beginning to break, as more and more I yearn to step back into the world that I’d subconsciously hid from, opening up my heart to something that has been closed off for so long.
Little by little, I’m welcoming love back in again.