These past few months have been an emotional upset for me as I’ve tried, yet again, to rediscover myself in the face of uncertainty and insecurity, as I do battle with my health, my ambition, and, consequently, perhaps even myself. I’ve struggled with so many questions and very few answers, doubting my decisions and, I’m almost ashamed to admit, my self-worth.
I’ve been a bit lost lately, as I’ve lost a bit of that strength, that confidence, that spark. I’ve begun to question my place in the world, wondering what value I could possibly bring to others, wondering what good I’m doing and doubting that it could ever be enough. Little by little, I’ve felt myself grow weaker, as moment by moment negative thoughts have begun to invade the positive ones.
I’ve felt defeated, giving up and giving in, so weighed down by emotions that I can’t understand or reconcile. And then I begin to feel numb, growing insensitive and losing a bit of that compassion for others that has always been a huge part of me. I’ve felt selfish in wanting to concentrate on myself, for wanting too much for myself, and because of that, I’ve questioned every aspect of my life. I haven’t felt whole, haven’t felt like a good person any–
Ok, hold it.
You heard me. I’m stopping you right there.
I’m in the middle of writing a blog post, Universe, you can’t just butt in.
Wanna bet? I’m out of tootsie rolls, my Firefly DVD marathon is finished, and the next Sims expansion pack doesn’t come out until TOMORROW. Which, according to my buddy Time, is forever.
But this is my emotional outpouring and–wait, you’ve been playing the Sims this whole time? Isn’t that some kind of irony, considering…
You know what? This isn’t about me, this is about you. So scoot over because I have a few things I want you to understand…
First, if I ever hear you say you’re not a good person, I will toss you into next week. I’ve got a binding contract with both Time and Space, so we both know I can do it.
I don’t think this whole tough love thing is exactly what I need right now. What about understanding and support? Or maybe some answers? I need you to tell me how to find myself again…
I can’t do that for you, Susan, because you aren’t lost, don’t you see? Everyone veers off their path every once in awhile. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to recognize where you were headed in the first place and appreciate it for what it is.
Listen, your path is going to look different from everyone else’s, so please stop comparing yourself to others. And before you start smart-mouthing me and saying “easier said than done” like I know you want to, remember that you can only see so far on the path in the first place for a reason. Walking down it is going to look different than what you ever even expect. You have a great imagination and a lot of ambition and you think you have it all planned out, but it doesn’t work that way. I hate telling you that you’re wrong, but…
Actually, I think you love telling me that I’m wrong.
Actually, I love saying that I’m right, but I hate saying that you’re wrong. Because it’s not about that. Can I continue now?
You can’t plan everything. I know how much you want to, and I know how much you want to control as much of your life as possible because by being prepared, it means you don’t have to risk anything. And, hey, I get that you’re afraid of loss and the vast unknown and you want to be ready for it. But some things you just can’t be ready for. You need to let me surprise you, remember? You need to trust me, trust yourself, and stop being so afraid to live. Yeah. I hit a nerve there, didn’t I?
You are going to do incredible things with your life, kid. It may be hard to see that now when every minute, hour, day seems to be another day wasted. But, you know what? Every single day you’re alive is another day that you are learning and loving, and I’m telling you right here, that this is what matters. And that is all that matters.
There are no short-cuts. You’re eager and passionate and a bit impatient because you feel like you’re just waiting for your life to begin. But your life began the minute you were born. All that time, all those people I sent your way, all those lessons you learned and the giggles you shared and the tears you shed — that is part of the person you’ve become. The good person you’ve become. And these moments will keep adding up, Susan. Each moment matters. And you matter.
You are making a difference just by being who you are, by the words you write and the stories you tell, by the hugs you freely offer and the shoulder you provide, by the love that’s in your heart. Stop smirking, will you? I’m being serious. For once.
Others may scoff and roll their own eyes and try to tear you back down, but you do realize who did most of that tearing down, don’t you?
I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.
Yep. That was all you.
I get it. I understand your frustration and your fears. You have every right to them. But I need you to hold on with all you’ve got. Because the landscape of your life is constantly changing, and that path you’re on? It’s gonna take some twists and turns. And just when you think you’ve lost your way, you’ll realize you’ve been right on track all along. You’ve got guardrails to protect you, lampposts to guide you, and people there to help you along. I did all of that for a reason, you know. Yeah, I’m pretty awesome like that.
I need you to trust in me. And I need you to trust in yourself. You know that little skip of your heart just there? Those tears glistening in your eyes and that deep breath that filled your soul? Yeah. It’s because you know I’m right. Again.
I don’t know whether to curse you out or thank you, Universe.
You’re welcome. Now, about those tootsie rolls…