Apparently the Universe Has Hijacked This Post

by Susan Pogorzelski on November 16, 2009 · 14 comments

tootsierollsbymisskelly

These past few months have been an emotional upset for me as I’ve tried, yet again, to rediscover myself in the face of uncertainty and insecurity, as I do battle with my health, my ambition, and, consequently, perhaps even myself. I’ve struggled with so many questions and very few answers, doubting my decisions and, I’m almost ashamed to admit, my self-worth.

I’ve been a bit lost lately, as I’ve lost a bit of that strength, that confidence, that spark. I’ve begun to question my place in the world, wondering what value I could possibly bring to others, wondering what good I’m doing and doubting that it could ever be enough. Little by little, I’ve felt myself grow weaker, as moment by moment negative thoughts have begun to invade the positive ones.

I’ve felt defeated, giving up and giving in, so weighed down by emotions that I can’t understand or reconcile. And then I begin to feel numb, growing insensitive and losing a bit of that compassion for others that has always been a huge part of me. I’ve felt selfish in wanting to concentrate on myself, for wanting too much for myself, and because of that, I’ve questioned every aspect of my life. I haven’t felt whole, haven’t felt like a good person any–

Ok, hold it.

Excuse me?

You heard me. I’m stopping you right there.

I’m in the middle of writing a blog post, Universe, you can’t just butt in.

Wanna bet? I’m out of tootsie rolls, my Firefly DVD marathon is finished, and the next Sims expansion pack doesn’t come out until TOMORROW. Which, according to my buddy Time, is forever.

But this is my emotional outpouring and–wait, you’ve been playing the Sims this whole time? Isn’t that some kind of irony, considering…

You know what? This isn’t about me, this is about you. So scoot over because I have a few things I want you to understand…

First, if I ever hear you say you’re not a good person, I will toss you into next week. I’ve got a binding contract with both Time and Space, so we both know I can do it.

I don’t think this whole tough love thing is exactly what I need right now. What about understanding and support? Or maybe some answers? I need you to tell me how to find myself again…

I can’t do that for you, Susan, because you aren’t lost, don’t you see? Everyone veers off their path every once in awhile. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to recognize where you were headed in the first place and appreciate it for what it is.

Listen, your path is going to look different from everyone else’s, so please stop comparing yourself to others. And before you start smart-mouthing me and saying “easier said than done” like I know you want to, remember that you can only see so far on the path in the first place for a reason. Walking down it is going to look different than what you ever even expect. You have a great imagination and a lot of ambition and you think you have it all planned out, but it doesn’t work that way. I hate telling you that you’re wrong, but…

Actually, I think you love telling me that I’m wrong.

Actually, I love saying that I’m right, but I hate saying that you’re wrong. Because it’s not about that. Can I continue now?

You can’t plan everything. I know how much you want to, and I know how much you want to control as much of your life as possible because by being prepared, it means you don’t have to risk anything. And, hey, I get that you’re afraid of loss and the vast unknown and you want to be ready for it. But some things you just can’t be ready for. You need to let me surprise you, remember? You need to trust me, trust yourself, and stop being so afraid to live. Yeah. I hit a nerve there, didn’t I?

You are going to do incredible things with your life, kid. It may be hard to see that now when every minute, hour, day seems to be another day wasted. But, you know what? Every single day you’re alive is another day that you are learning and loving, and I’m telling you right here, that this is what matters. And that is all that matters.

There are no short-cuts. You’re eager and passionate and a bit impatient because you feel like you’re just waiting for your life to begin. But your life began the minute you were born. All that time, all those people I sent your way, all those lessons you learned and the giggles you shared and the tears you shed — that is part of the person you’ve become. The good person you’ve become. And these moments will keep adding up, Susan. Each moment matters. And you matter.

You are making a difference just by being who you are, by the words you write and the stories you tell, by the hugs you freely offer and the shoulder you provide, by the love that’s in your heart. Stop smirking, will you? I’m being serious. For once.

Others may scoff and roll their own eyes and try to tear you back down, but you do realize who did most of that tearing down, don’t you?

I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.

Yep. That was all you.

I get it. I understand your frustration and your fears. You have every right to them. But I need you to hold on with all you’ve got. Because the landscape of your life is constantly changing, and that path you’re on? It’s gonna take some twists and turns. And just when you think you’ve lost your way, you’ll realize you’ve been right on track all along. You’ve got guardrails to protect you, lampposts to guide you, and people there to help you along. I did all of that for a reason, you know. Yeah, I’m pretty awesome like that.

I need you to trust in me. And I need you to trust in yourself. You know that little skip of your heart just there? Those tears glistening in your eyes and that deep breath that filled your soul? Yeah. It’s because you know I’m right. Again.

I don’t know whether to curse you out or thank you, Universe.

You’re welcome. Now, about those tootsie rolls…

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Tom November 17, 2009

One of your best yet, Susan. Just saying. :)

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Akirah November 17, 2009

I like this. Sometimes we need a swift kick in the behind in order to see things more rationally. Well done.

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Leia November 17, 2009

This post ROCKS! Have you read Eat Pray Love? If not, you should because you are channeling the author, Elizabeth Gilbert. Can’t wait to read more where that came from!

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Amy November 17, 2009

I read your blog because I read Ophila’s Webb blogcrush. And I must say, the blogcrush was right on. I am 23 and graduated from college a year and half ago. Many days I sat at my desk wondering when my life was going to begin. Then I realized one day, my life had already begun and I just needed to realize it. You just said everything I have been thinking for the last year. I love how creative this was, keep up the good work :) and thanks!

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Susan Pogorzelski - admin November 17, 2009

Tom: Thanks. And you’re awesome. Just saying ;)

Akirah: Honestly, I think this telling-myself-off thing has been a long time coming, as it’s everything I’ve always thought, but really needed to hear and believe. You’re right — a swift-kick to the rear is exactly what was needed. I can’t promise I won’t ever revert, but here’s hoping I’ll remember these words. Thanks!

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Susan Pogorzelski - admin November 17, 2009

Leia: So many people have practically ordered me to read that book and I just haven’t! But I love her TED talk (have you seen it?) and have a feeling I’ll love the book, so it’s going straight to the top of my book-shopping list. :) Thanks, Leia, I appreciate your comment!

Amy: Thanks, Amy. It was a huge surprise and such an honor to be one of Elisa’s blogcrushes because I respect her, her blog, and her opinions so much. Honestly, I began writing the blog for myself because I was in the situation you had just described and needed a place to get rid of all those emotions, frustrations, and, maybe even unknowingly, to learn. So I entered the blogosphere and soon found a community of people who felt the exact same way, and suddenly what I was feeling wasn’t so secluded. The fact there are so many people having these same thoughts and doubts and insecurities about life, that they are willing to share it and help you better understand and not feel so alone, is remarkable. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be able to do the same for someone else. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words, and here’s hoping these years bring you everything you’ve ever dared to dream. And then some. :) Best wishes!

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Cheila Esquilin November 18, 2009

Oh How I admire you. You are truly strong person. You have want it takes!

Ha toosie rolls. I don’t really like them but if I crave some chocolate, believe me, ill eat them. :)

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Susan Pogorzelski - admin November 18, 2009

Cheila: Susan wanted to say thanks for stopping by the blog and how it’s been so great talking to you on Twitter and then continue with some spiel about how she doesn’t often feel like a strong person but that she’s hoping to get there, but I stopped her. Because I have something to say to YOU:

YOU DON’T LIKE TOOTSIE ROLLS?

We’re going to have to have a serious talk in which you let me know what candy you do like. Because I accept all forms as bribes, I mean gifts.

XOXO!

The Universe

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Susan Pogorzelski - admin November 18, 2009

Cheila: Please forgive the Universe for butting into my COMMENTS now — Universe, what’s up with that? But the first part is definitely true. Thanks :)

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Jenny Guerrero November 19, 2009

Oh how I love this post. Seriously where has this post been the past few months of my life. Keep blogging Susan…AWESOME.

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Amanda Linehan November 20, 2009

Hi Susan – This post is hilarious, and also poignant. You have captured the Universe’s sense of humor wonderfully here, especially when it is not well received by the recipient. :) It’s really difficult when you want to get somewhere and you know the right thing to do, the thing you are being guided to do, is wait and trust. Waiting and trusting have been two of the hardest lessons I have learned so far…and I’m still practicing. Hoping the Universe will join you for another post something. Thanks. :)

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Susan Pogorzelski - admin November 24, 2009

Jenny: Thanks so much for the encouragement! I wish I knew where this post/conversation had been these past few months as well, as I could have really used it then myself! But when I asked the Universe, all I got back was a mumbling about tootsie rolls. Huh. Anyway, I hope that it was able to offer you as much comfort and perhaps guidance as I’ve learned. Wishing you well!

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Susan Pogorzelski - admin November 24, 2009

Amanda: First, congratulations on 100 blog posts! Your blog is a constant source of personal inspiration, so a huge thanks and the warmest wishes!

Oh, this post. I have no idea where it came from, but apparently it was a long time coming. I love when I get told off in a public forum — MY public forum. I love even more when it’s the Universe…or myself ;)

Everything I wrote I know to be true, though sometimes I get so caught up in these emotions and in life that I tend to forget it; I fail to put it into perspective. Especially as I was so eager for my life to get started, waiting and trusting wasn’t an option for me. So I gave up on the Universe and decided to plow right through, making my own way. I should have known better :)

Here’s hoping that you and I can both learn and remember these lessons we’re learning. Thanks so much for the comment!

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