Life Is What Happens

by Susan Pogorzelski on October 21, 2009 · 8 comments

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Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans. – John Lennon

This blog has always been a personal outlet for me — this is the space where I wonder, I dream, I think, I challenge, I rediscover, I uncover. I write here, asking the questions of myself (and of others) that I need, in order to better understand myself, to grow, to figure out this life.

However, I’ve become tired of asking questions.

It’s time I find some answers.

I’ve been having trouble dealing with things lately, so overwhelmed with a need to be responsible coupled with a concern for my own health. I’ve tried ignoring it, tried pushing forward — because things need to get done, I have a responsibility to a new job, and there have been opportunities that I’ve been loathe to pass up, afraid of what passing them up might mean.

Ok. Even I know how ridiculous that sounds.

But I’m having trouble coming to terms with this, seeing all of the red flags, the warning signs, listening to the advice that I know to be true.

These past two weeks I’ve been unable to do much of anything outside of those hours at work. If you follow me on Twitter, you already know all of this. I talk about it, I complain about it.

All because, truth be told, I’m a little bit afraid of it — afraid of the not knowing. At least with knowing, you can fix it, change it, make it better. The not knowing, it seems, is always worse.

I’ve found that this has been true in all aspects in my life — it’s why I value honesty; it’s why I find myself on the side of hating change.

I have a lot of fear built up inside of me, but I don’t walk around afraid of the world. There’s a strength there too, I like to believe, that balances that fear, quells it, buries it. It’s what helps me push forward when I’m afraid to leave my comfort zone; it’s what let’s me take the leap and let down my guard especially among people I care about; it’s what encourages me to move forward with dreams, even though I’m hesitant, too, of potential success.

But this?

This is a bit different.

This I can’t ignore and push through, no matter how hard I try. And there have been a wide-range of emotions to accompany it. Frustration at not having answers. Relief that I have my family around me to support me as they do. Stress because I know I have so much I could be doing, so much to get done, so much that I want to do. And guilt because I just…can’t.

It’s not a matter of not wanting to. It’s a matter of not being able to — wanting to keep up with opportunities that seem so easy to accomplish but that expend all of my energy, wanting to take care of others instead of them taking care of me. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to let anyone down.

How do you say no to something that feels like such an important step to achieving your goals? How do you take care of yourself while still maintaining responsibility? How do you stop feeling selfish in needing your loved ones when you want them there for you?

How do you keep from disappointing others…and yourself?

There are answers here…It just might take me awhile to figure them out.

It might take me awhile to admit what I haven’t been wanting to hear.

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