Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I’m going back to the start…
Coldplay, “The Scientist”
These past two years have been tumultuous, to say the least, although looking back, I don’t think I regret one bit of it. It’s been a roller coaster ride of slow uphill battles and fast declines, filled with anxiety and thrills as I coasted on an uncertain track. Tomorrow, I return to the beginning of the ride as I begin a new full time job at my old place of employment, in my old department, in my old position.
I’ve come full circle.
In 2007, I left my job at a local bank because I was determined to find a job in my field. I was fresh out of college and eager to use my degree in English, eager to return to my love of writing and find that creative outlet that I thought had been lost amid numbers and data-entry.
I was ecstatic to move into a new position with a company’s corporate communications department, a job that, ultimately, had a greater negative affect on me than I had realized at the time. My decision to leave was one I had questioned for months before handing in my letter of resignation, and though the next two years of temp jobs was both exciting and discouraging, it was the right one for all that I had learned, all I had met, and all I had rediscovered within myself since.
These past two months had been difficult, as even temporary work was hard to come by. And while I’ve been a huge advocate for this type of employment, I had recently become discouraged. I craved some type of permanence and stability; I wanted responsibility and a challenge. While being in-between assignments afforded me time for creative projects, I found myself less productive than ever.
I longed for structure, longed for work.
I actually found myself longing for a traditional 9-5.
A friend and ex-colleague told me about an open position at my old job. I hemmed and I hawed and I questioned myself. Could I return to my old job? Was that even possible? Would it seem like I was taking a step back? Would it be a positive decision or would it feel desperate?
The more I thought about it, the more the pros outweighed the cons. I loved my job while I had been there, but I left because I was young and stubborn and ambitious, because that next opportunity had been so enticing and, in many ways, though it ended negatively, it had been a learning experience.
And where I’ve been and who I’ve become since is something I will never, ever regret.
I’ve since realized that the fixed track I’d been following was laid out all along, leading me here: right to this moment, to this experience, to this second chance. Interconnected, it has brought me back to the beginning but with lessons learned, a knowledge more profound, a sense of self better realized.
One thing has led to another, and that has all led to a balance of structure and creativity that I hadn’t even realized I had been seeking, that I never believed was really possible.
Once upon a time, I may have dreaded returning to an old job for fear that it was a step back. Now, instead, I have butterflies of excitement as I think about friendly, familiar colleagues and the challenges and responsibilities that await me, realizing that it’s not so much where you’re going, but where you’ve been and how far you’ve come that makes the difference.
A new ride is about to begin. And for the first time in a long time, I’m excited to see what this one has in store.