Life, Personal Development

The Hardest Part Is Over

I’m not ok.

It’s the sole thought that keeps running through my mind at this moment, and though I try to convince myself otherwise, though I manage to convince even myself that I’m fine, I know that this “not ok” has been lingering there beneath the surface for the past few weeks, maybe even months, taking its time as it rises to the surface as I struggle to push it back down, to keep it all at bay.

I’m not ok. I will be, I know this, I’m sure of it, but I’m not now. And right now, I don’t know how to get ok.

I have been contending with insecurities in a battle I feel I can’t win, doing the one thing I always swore I never would — comparing myself to others and, by that, questioning my own self-worth. In doing so I see myself changing these past few weeks into someone I don’t recognize, someone I don’t like. I can sense myself becoming selfish and self-centered, impatient and unkind; I feel as if all of those things I once valued have been buried under misunderstandings, mistakes, and failures as I struggle to control things I know I can’t, as I struggle to bring my life back into focus, into balance. As I struggle to hold onto the last shred of me.

Depression is a deep, dark, and lonely place and especially hard to admit. Sometimes, you don’t even realize you’re in it until you get out of it. But I’ve been here before, I recognize it, and I know that this isn’t normal, know this isn’t really me. I don’t know when it began or why, and I don’t quite know how to make it end and get back that light that seems to have grown so dim. But I want to. I desperately, desperately want to.

I used to see the world as a place full of hope and good, used to find beauty in everything that surrounded me, the colors so bright and vibrant, everything alive. But now it’s like there’s a thick film across my vision, masking everything in shades of gray. My once optimistic self has turned cynical, and the hope, motivation, and strength — the renewal I felt upon returning from France — has waned.

I find myself going through the motions now, doing things because I force myself to, because I have to, not because I want to. The things that used to bring me the greatest joy now spark momentary hope and excitement before I fall back to insecurity — thoughts of “I can’t do this” and “what does it matter.” And the fear and anxiety that had once dissipated has returned, albeit not completely full-force. I won’t let that happen again.

I find myself seeking my old comfort-zones. I find myself shedding responsibility in order to find solace in writing or dreams because it’s easier than facing the world. I find myself wanting to be there for others, wanting to be selfless, but I’m so clouded by my own thoughts, so stuck in the situations that are going on around me, that I feel myself slipping away from compassion and towards antipathy. That’s not me. That has never been me. And these new feelings scare me. I’m lost. And I’m scared because I’m lost. And I don’t know how to find it all again.

But I will. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but I know who I am at the core and I won’t let myself become defeated. Still, I feel a little defeated now — a hypocrite, stubbornly hiding under a mask in the hopes that I can do this on my own, a barrage of emotion that I want to escape, though I know that I can’t.

I’ve done the hard part now; I feel a little bit of that weight has been lifted with this admission. But there’s still so much more left. And now I have to stand up and face it all head-on. And I will.

But, I admit, I’m a little afraid to do that, too.

8 thoughts on “The Hardest Part Is Over”

  1. i. hear. you.

    i’ve been there. oh have i been there and oh how i remember those feelings. and they suck. they suck. they suck.

    but you’re already doing better than i was because i just wanted to give up and for the most part i did. i floated along on in life, barely surviving from day to day. living off the energy of other people and that barely sustaining me.

    you will get through this, i promise. especially if you surround yourself with people who care about you. you’ll be fine, sweetie, someday. not today, not tomorrow, but someday.

  2. I am here, and I bring love. Endless supplies of love, my attention if you want to talk, and silly times when you’re ready. I know this feeling. Sometimes you really don’t realize until you’re knee-deep into it, and you forgot that you’ve been trudging along instead of frolicking. You’re going through a lot of changes in life, and at the same time, you feel stagnant. This is all normal. Even though I know how you feel, it doesn’t make it easier to go through. I realize this. But I’ll give you all I can to help 🙂

  3. If you’ve been through it before then you know that the most important step is just what you are doing, and that is admitting and acknowledging it. Until you can grasp onto it and start working thru it, there’s no way to pull yourself out of the film and cloud. I’ve been there myself, I’m sending lots of good thoughts and well wishes your way.

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  5. I can’t begin to express just how much I appreciate each and every one of you for your support and encouragement. Just having you be there, knowing that some of you have been here before, to know that you’re not alone, in and of itself is tremendous. Thank you, once again, to each of you, for your comments, emails, and words full of wisdom and heart.

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