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I Owe You A Love Song β€” twenty(or)something: the archives

I Owe You A Love Song

by Susan Pogorzelski on April 18, 2009 · 9 comments

We climb, we crawl
Tear down the wall
That we’ve torn down before
It’s not too late…

Shiny Toy Guns, “I Owe You A Love Song”

upside down heart  in the wall by arthurjohnpicton (flickr)

I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself of my own strength, trying to fight vulnerability for fear of what it means to lay down your guard. I’ve built these walls, layer after layer, day after day, never realizing how thick they were getting because all the while I went on loving, caring, smiling, laughing. Yet still the wall grew — a silent, standing guard between the outside world and my heart.

If I tear down just one layer, I could ruin everything, my mind constantly reminds me. I could end up hurting someone.

I could end up hurting myself.

And so I hold myself back and the wall keeps building, the distance between me and possibility continuing to grow. And all the while I’m still loving, caring, smiling, laughing behind this wall that’s getting too high, too thick. I can still feel; I can still love. But not fully, and not completely. Because that would mean letting someone in behind this wall I’ve so carefully constructed.

And I’m afraid what that might mean.

Yes. Sometimes, I’m afraid of finding happiness.

Sometimes there are rare moments when a small part of me wonders if I deserve it.

I know that this part of me is very wrong. But I also know that all fear holds some truth. This fear is what this wall is built upon. Not just bricks of experiences, but layers of what-if, held together by a mortar mix of sudden, unexpected insecurities.

You can carry on behind your wall, finding happiness and self-worth in other areas of your life. You can convince yourself that everything is exactly as it should be, that you’re fine, that you’re happy, that life is right on track.

Until one day someone stops and hears that beating heart, despite these thick walls that’s been put firmly into place. And they take a moment, maybe see who you really are, see what you canβ€˜t see for yourself. And they make you smile, laugh. They make you care.

And you realize what it means to have someone want to break down that wall and discover the person underneath. You realize what it means to let yourself become vulnerable again, no matter what this outcome, though you already know it means something. And if it means something, it must be worthwhile.

So little by little, layer by layer, day by day, you begin to deconstruct that wall, finding the strength to let them in because you know it might be worth it. You know that they might be worth it. And all that time you spend trying to fight it is just wasted energy.

Because you’re worth the chance to have something good in your life, even if it’s only potential, no matter where it leads.

Even if it scares you.

Especially when it scares you.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Carlos Miceli April 19, 2009

Won’t comment on the post. I’d rather comment on you.

Getting to know you, reading your posts, seeing what you write about, has made me realize which kind of person you are.

You remind me of Helen Hunt in “As good as it gets”. Like Jack Nicholson tells her, i think that you’re one of those amazing persons, with so much to offer that often go unnoticed of how incredible they are.

You have these layers that push people away, and it’s a shame. Not for you, but for the rest of the people that can’t see how sweet, funny and smart you are. How special you are.

Hey, i don’t have to really know you to know this. It’s the first thing that one notices when one talks with you. You’re as nice as it gets, and that shouldn’t be lock inside because of fear.

Life is tough, scary and hurts. It’s also beautiful, exciting and loving. Pick the second approach, so the world can see that it’s been missing.

Take care Susan. Your writing is beautiful. Knock down those walls ASAP. Life will reward you for it πŸ™‚

Reply

Susan Pogorzelski - admin April 21, 2009

Carlos: I am so touched by this comment and can’t begin to describe what your words, your support and encouragement, have meant to me or how much they’ve moved me. I think it’s always so hard for me to see these things about myself and I’m not sure why, so when someone kind of recognizes that, I have a hard time believing it.

What I do believe, however, is what you say about having layers that tend to push people away — because I do see that. And a part of me wishes that wasn’t true, but yet another part embraces the fact that it’s also who I am. I wouldn’t know how to change that if I could…

I think in the past few weeks I’ve taken steps at removing that wall that I hadn’t even really realized I’d constructed. And what I feel underneath a bit of that ebbing fear is relief and excitement and a strength that I’ve had to be reminded of. I’m looking forward to what’s to come, to what’s already here, because I think it’s special and worthwhile and I am starting to understand that I might be, too.

Thanks for your words and your friendship, Carlos. My appreciation for both is beyond anything I could ever say.

Reply

MauValmont December 11, 2009

i found your blog by chance and… wow. that entry pretty much sums up my life. how did you deconstruct that wall? i just can’t find a way to do it. any advice would be great.

Reply

K July 13, 2013

Thank you for writing this post, and all the others. I was at loss for words to describe my own feelings, and you put it together so well. It’s amazing to know someone’s been through this. Maybe I’ll finally start understanding myself.

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