Yeah you questioned this life
Sure you wondered about love
But you swear there’s always hope…
Everything starts to fall into place.
Collective Soul, “Good Morning After All”
Sometimes I wonder if I’m not a little bit afraid of finding success and happiness. Sometimes I wonder if I don’t subconsciously sabotage myself, hold back as a kind of defense mechanism to prevent failure, to prevent getting hurt.
I’m not exactly proud to admit this, but I wonder if there’s any truth to it. There are moments where I feel those small flickers of familiar feelings rising up again — tiny nuggets of doubt, questioning myself, wondering if something will end before it even starts, worried that these good things are too good to be true.
Maybe this is why I’m so resistant to change. Because there’s a comfort knowing that you can’t fail, that you can’t get hurt. If you don’t let yourself be vulnerable, you can’t lose anything.
But what’s worse, you can’t gain anything, either.
I’m sitting here typing this — thinking about my new job, new connections, new opportunities — and I’m wondering why I’m questioning myself, wondering why this is even an issue. Where are all these thoughts stemming from? Who is this person with all these sudden insecurities and doubts?
Am I really still that same person who months ago feared love, feared success, feared change? Am I still that girl who carried the weight of her world? Who shied away from taking risks, taking chances?
I’m not that same girl. And, truthfully, I don’t think that ever was me, not really. For months, I thought that my situation and these feelings were what defined me. But I’ve since realized that I’ve always been so much more.
I’m the girl who realized her worth and faced decisions she wasn’t entirely prepared for, finding her strength, confronting her past, then learning to let it go.
I’m the girl who found passion, found courage, found herself.
And I’ve turned into a woman who can push through these fears that threaten to rise, discovering that taking a chance means being vulnerable, that pursuing opportunity means confronting challenges.
And living life means embracing it all.