The truth that you’ll find will always be
The truth you hide.
And the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear…
Collective Soul, “How Do You Love”
I haven’t really talked about relationships on this blog before because 1) I haven’t been in a relationship for…let’s just say awhile and 2) I’ve really only just begun to learn to love myself again. But I would be fooling myself if I didn’t admit that the thought of love has always lingered, sometimes unwillingly, somewhere in the back of my mind. That question has been there, a shadow of a thought, wondering when I would fall in love again, wondering if it would be meaningful and lasting. And at my lowest points, I’ve even wondered if I was worthy of it again at all.
I can try to analyze why I haven’t found love since that long-term relationship, but every reason seems like a tired excuse. The always-easy answer is that I just haven’t found someone I’ve connected with, but that’s kind of a crap-answer and not entirely true. What’s truthful is that it has taken me a really, really long time to get over my first relationship, to allow myself to be open to something else.
And if I want to be really honest, I’ve realized that I may very well have been unconsciously sabotaging myself out of fear.
The heartache I had experienced ran deep, and in the end, I was way more hurt than I ever expected, than I ever let on, than I ever dared to admit even to myself.
And that hurt, I now know, is what has prevented me from taking chances again, from allowing myself to be vulnerable. It’s partly what has held me back for so long. And I would be lying if I didn’t say that a bit of that fear lingers still.
I’m not exactly sure what this hesitation is or why I still cling to it. Maybe I’m afraid of not getting a chance, of being overlooked. Maybe I’m afraid of being passed over for something better, something more appealing. Maybe I’m afraid of being forgotten.
Maybe I’m afraid of admitting that sometimes love just isn’t enough anymore.
I’m a stronger person than I was then, a different woman. I’ve passed that stage of romantic ideals and fairytale beliefs, but, still, I long to believe in something again, to know that there is something out there worth fighting for, and that there are people out there willing to fight for it.
I don’t know. I don’t know what love has in store for me; I don’t know what it is I’m looking for or if I’ll ever find it. But love, as crazily cheesy as it sounds, is such a huge part of me, and I don’t want to bury that side, to hide away from it again.
I don’t want to, and I won’t. Because little by little, I’m gathering the strength that will allow myself to be vulnerable again, to open up to something potentially beautiful, even if it means risking heartache.
Because, in the end, just getting the chance to love has got to be worth it all.